My Thoughts & Notes

Go Qatar....

2008-05-16T22:48:00.005+03:00

Not as many of you may have thought, this post is not cheering Qatar because of their recent mediation to end the Lebanese-Lebanese slaughtering simply because I have stopped caring about that `fucked-up` country after I watched this gory footage of Lebanese killing Lebanese, again, based on their affiliations. So my dear Lebanese population....Go to hell!
Or in Arabic "تنباعو بالعزا...سواءا كنتو سنة..شيعة..مسيحية...دروز...او حتى بشر"

I`ve been meaning to post about Qatar for some time but never really got the chance, so I decided to spend my break doing so.

Despite my irrational racism against people of the Gulf region, I cannot help it not to admire, support and applaud the tremendous effort some of them are spending on a global marketing campaign to promote and sell `Arabs` in a better and polished way.

UAE and Qatar in specific have chosen a different path, a very smart one I have to admit, sports. Their campaigns have been basically attracting word-class sports activities so their names as Arabs in general and people of the Gulf in specific will be associated in the mind of the public to things other than camels and bare-footed ugly looking people. Golf, Tennis, horse racing and formula 1 are sports perceived as being on a higher class than say, soccer or basketball. They are more associated with wealth and prestige.

I read in a Canadian Business magazine few weeks ago an article about this issue and they spoke to some Qatari marketing manager who was leading the campaign. He said, when asked if those events are paying off, revenue wise, that their spending exceeds their revenues but that`s not what they are after. People around the world will hear about the Gulf States in a positive context about a topic they love, sports.

Qatar has decided to go further and has bid on hosting one of the world`s most important sport`s event, the Olympic games for the year 2016. They are competing with countries like the USA and Japan to name a few.

I do hope they win and host the Olympic Games. It would be the first Arab state to do so, probably the last during my life time.

Good luck Qatar and from the bottom of my heart....GO DOHA!

My Diary in the West

2008-05-15T05:42:00.003+03:00

My friends and family keep asking me everytime we speak about how I live in the West. What sort of life I have and what I do in it.

To save myself from repeating the same story I've decided to post a detailed schedule of my day to day life on my blog:

Weekdays:

7:30 AM : Wake up, shower and coffee
8:30 AM : I go to work
10:30 PM : I get back from work
10:40 PM : I eat
12:00 AM : I go to bed

Weekends:

Saturdays: I sleep all day
Sundays : I clean the apartment, do the dishes and the laundry, buy groceries....and go to the movies!

Fun....eh?

Last cried...

2008-05-14T06:04:00.003+03:00

When was the last time I had tears in my eyes?

Just few minutes ago

Lebanese Urban Legand: Make Tea...not War!

2008-05-12T05:22:00.007+03:00

Just when I was about to get to bed and doing my bedtime news round I came across the funniest political statement of the year so far. If it is that funny, then as you may have figured out, it has to do with Arabs politicians. This time is from Lebanon. The Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Saniora has stated: “Hezbollah did to Beirut what Israel didn't dare”. Of course if you haven’t got the joke in the statement, then it’s either you don’t have a sense of humor and may god be with your spouse during your dull time together, or you don’t follow the recent history of Lebanon. Basically, if he hadn’t mentioned the word “dare”, it would be a somewhat valid statement, debatable but definitely not funny.

Now let me straight things out to Mr. Saniora and those of the like. Despite the bloody nature of the Israelis and their history of murder but to tell the truth, they have never been known to bite the hand that serves them tea in a time of crisis.

Perhaps, the Lebanese government should try to serve Hezbollah some tea and who knows, Hezbollah may stop “daring” to do what he did to Beirut.

Fitna...indeed

2008-04-01T03:51:00.003+02:00

I have to admit I was disappointed when I watched this clip called Fitna. I had heard so much about the so long awaited film from that Dutch politician Geert Wilders, or better described as “freedon of speech” fighter. I’d heard so much about how that “fighter” was finaly about to expose the terror in the Quran. The film did not live to reach my expectation. Lame is the least to be described as.

Having said that and after reading lots of comments and discussions about the “extremely informative" film, as described by so many people on the internet who praised the freedom of speech, I decided, that I, too, wanna embrace the “freedom of speech” dogma and declare myself a devout fighter under its holy name.

My first mission is to “expose” all texts that call for death upon others. The first “verses” I got my hands on were from the US constitution that clearly indicates under chapter 18:

“….(b) A person who conspires to commit an offense, ….. shall be punished by death…”

And it gets better here:

“(d)…. If two or more persons conspire kidnap a Member of Congress or a
Member-of-Congress-elect ...shall be punished by death….”

So I here call for the ban of the US constitution and ask the "civilized" American to liberate themselves from this “hatred and uncivilized” rules to which they are bound to obey.

Alright, enough what this crap already! People who “oppose” the US, will cheer for the above excerpts and may even praise me for this discovery….just like my fellow “freedom of speech” fighters did to Mr. Wilders. Other people however, who were not blessed with ignorance, will dig further and find out that I simply cut and pasted “specific” parts of the US constitution that serve my goal, in this case, spreading hatred against Americans. To those, I salute you.

Believe it or not, so many people who have watched the film “Fitna” and applauded and cheered to the guy behind it, know nothing about the freedom of speech, even more, they are as far as anybody can be from being civilized.

I’m going to list the Quranic verses that Mr. Wilders used to demonstrate that Quran calls for terrorism.
Before I start, I need to mention that the translation he used is not accurate and somehow modified to fit his purpose", but that is the least he did.

He started with Surah 8, Verse 60 that reads:

“Make ready for them all thou canst of (armed) force and of horses tethered,
that thereby ye may dismay the enemy of Allah and your enemy, and others beside
them whom ye know not. Allah knoweth them. Whatsoever ye spend in the way of
Allah it will be repaid to you in full, and ye will not be wronged. (60) “

Then he goes on showing photos of September 11th crime. Well, many “civilized” people don’t know that the continuation of that verse reads:

“And if they incline to peace, incline thou also to it, and trust in
Allah....(61)
For those interested in knowing, the part of the Quranic verse
is teaching about “Rules of Engagements” in the times of war.

The second verse he used, Surah 4, verse 56, reads:

“ Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As
often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that
they may taste the torment. Lo! Allah is ever Mighty, Wise. “

Although the verse is clear and self-explanatory as it describes the punishment that GOD will bring upon those who disbelieve in him. It has in no why any teaching or instruction to the followers. Just plain narrative of what is going to happen in the Judgment Day. I doubt that the “God” of the Old Testament hasn’t touched on the subject…many times.

The third verse is the most interesting one, as he omitted words that don’t serve his aim from the same verse. This verse is Surah 47, verse 4 and in the film it reads:

“Therefore, when ye meet the unbelievers, smite at their necks and when ye have
caused a bloodbath among them....bind a bond firmly on them....”

Whereas the verse actually reads:

“Now when ye meet in battle those who disbelieve, then it is smiting of the
necks until, when ye have routed them, then making fast of bonds; and afterward
either grace or ransom till the war lay down its burdens. ”

Like if he is ever confronted with this, I believe his response will be as deep as: “Ooopsi”.

Moving on to his next verse, Surah 8, verse 39, which reads:

“They long that ye should disbelieve even as they disbelieve, that ye may be
upon a level (with them). So choose not friends from them till they forsake
their homes in the way of Allah; if they turn back (to enmity) then take them
and kill them wherever ye find them, and choose no friend nor hper from among
them, (89)”

I guess he got a phone call while working on this epic film so he totally forgot to put the continuation of that verse, Surah 4, verse 90, which reads:

“Except those who seek refuge with a people between whom and you there is a
covenant, or (those who) come unto you because their hearts forbid them to make
war on you or make war on their own folk. Had Allah willed He could have given
them power over you so that assuredly they would have fought you. So, if they
hold aloof from you and wage not war against you and offer you peace, Allah
alloweth you no way against them. (90)

Simply put, if they fight you, fight them back, if they declare war against you, do the same. If they offer peace, reciprocate! What’s so hard to understand about this?

The last verse he used, Surah 8 Verse 39, reads according to him:

“Fight them until there is no dissension and the religion is entirely Allah's"

While the verse actually reads:

“And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is all for Allah. But
if they cease, then lo! Allah is Seer of what they do.”

Clear I guess, reciprocate when you are under persecution until they stop persecuting you!

Of course, he quoted many “radicals” Muslims throughout the film to support his falsification of the Quran. I’m pretty much sure that if one’s needs to get radical and racist remarks, probably with the exception of the Citizen of Utopia, a handful of them can be spotted within each and every society.

Last word:
I believe that faith does not need to be defended. The aim of my post is not to defend, but rather to clarify.

By the way, for those who don’t know Arabic, Fitna in an Arabic word that means “Creating division and hatred leading to commotion”. I had to admit that no other title could do a better job describing the content of this film.

Story of a lady…

2008-01-14T08:25:00.000+02:00

Before I start, I want to say to that passing princess…thank you.

For the last two years, a lot of question marks have been floating over my head. I’d started to believe that I lost any sense of intimacy with the women. For two years, in all my so-called relationships here in Canada or better described as one night-stand, two nights, or even weeks-stand relations , I always ended up taking a cold bath cursing what I had just done. I always blamed myself for being no more than a person who seemed to only be able to have meaningless encounters with women. I had always justified it and convinced myself that what I do is simply a result of me growing mature and being the wise-ass who knows what relationships are about and that I don’t need anything more than just a little action.

I was wrong……

Few days before I left home and came back to Canada…..we met..it was a dinner among friends…I knew about her, knew of her but didn’t know her. Before that night, she was just a girl that I met through friends. That dinner was the spark that made me realize that I’m still all about connecting to someone, relating to and more….being crazy about. The dinner was over, we waved goodbye and then I saw a spark in her eyes…reflecting the spark in my eyes. We texted each other few minutes after….spend the night together, on the phone, we went to sleep when the first morning rays where lighting Damascus. We met 4 hours after, it was our first official date. It was the longest and most fulfilling date I have had in years. Those hours moved us ahead in a super fast relationship that would usually take months to get this far.

She made me feel that it’s all about intimacy and everything else came after. We connected, we danced, we hugged, we kissed, we made sweet love. She made me feel like a man who has more feelings than desires. She introduced me back to the old “me” that I had thought I’d lost.
She introduced me to Ihsan, the man who can actually fall for someone once again, if distances, oceans and lands did not separate between Canada and Syria.

This short relationship was an eye opener for me. It came as a reminder that I’m missing so much. It’s not about the physical aspect. But more about what leads to it and what results from it. It’s about wanting to stay so close to someone that skins would merge together.
I do miss all that, I do miss her, her voice, her annoying never ending arguments, her touch, her skin. Her image when the lights were so dim has been imprinted on the twists of my brain cells that will takes a surgery to remove.

Thanks a thousand times. I wish we lived in the same country. I wish if we didn’t believe that online relationship is not the thing that we both want for now.

My 2008 resolution is no more physical encounters without intimacy, if I’m not gonna have what I had, I don’t need it.

Guy's Magnate!

2008-01-12T22:50:00.000+02:00

I just got the new Azzaro fragrance for men, “Azzaro Now” which was remarkably cheap for a new cologne under such a name. I’ve worn it a couple of time already and just realized that whenever I smell it, I get sexually aroused. Ok, now correct me if I’m wrong, shouldn’t men’s cologne cause such an arousal at women rather than men? Then what the heck? I wonder what will happen if I wear it and go to a club or something….oh boy I’m gonna make a huge wave among all the guys there!

The moral of the story: If you ever buy something expensive for a cheap price…then you’d better watch your ass!

First......

2007-11-16T07:38:00.000+02:00

Nothing is more precious than the "first" of everything.... First love, first kiss, first relationship with a soulmate, a best friend or a work place, first salary, first personal gift we get or we give. Those firsts have a magical substance that gets deep inside us and never leave.... First time to snow is one of my favorites, maybe because it happens every year and yet it feels as new every time. No it's not snowing outside, it will soon, but I just felt the urge of it. In the absence of any new "firsts" for the last few years, the "first" snow is all what I have.

As cold as it may be, snow fills my heart with warmth. When the flakes dance on their way to touch the ground, they tell a story, they sing it. If we listen closely, we can hear it. A song about a new day, a new time, a new life. Those flakes descend from heaven every year but they always start the season with that happy song of hope. That song is what I have had. If I could only be a flake of snow or act like one, excited to arrive to my destination, knowing what my destination is, and dance my way there, I would have become a better me. A me that still believes in something, still believes in many things that I have lost my faith in; starting with me.

I love the first snow....I will hold on to loving it until I find my new "first"...or at least start believing that I will ever have a new "first".....

1+1= a nuclear bomb!

2007-10-21T19:49:00.000+03:00

With all the news about the alleged Nuclear facility in Syria, one, customs agent specially, needs to be extra careful not to let any "related" materials slip into Syria. That would most likely be the way many Americans think, and few, act based on.

My younger brother has just become a CMA and started his path towards becoming a CFA. In order to make his life easier, he needed a specific financial calculator that he couldn't find anywhere in Damascus. He called and asked for my help. Five minutes later I was checking amazon.com and 4 days later the FedEx guy knocked on my door and handed it to me. It looks very primitive, probably like the calculators that were used to do the calculations needed to build the pyramids few billions of years ago! Anyway, I contacted DHL and their guy come and picked it up after I filled the form with my family's home address in Damascus. "To this destination, it'll takes five business days" he said.

Five days passed and nothing happened. I didn't bother to track it online...I was just expecting a call from my brother to thank me. 8 days
and that ungrateful nerd hasn't called yet! I decided to see the DHL tracker before I call and teach him some manners, of which he has much more than I do in fact. Apparently, the calculator never left the USA! I was told that it was deemed as an unacceptable commodity to be sent to Syria by the US customs!

I'm not an expert in making nuclear bombs but my common sense tells me that this type of calculators, or any other type for that matter, is not essential to the process! Unless it's needed to calculate the depletion rate of the uranium or maybe the amortization expenses of the trucks that will be used to carry the bomb! This was the most ridiculous thing I have heard since an American border control officer in JFK airport in New York asked me upon my arrival from Damascus, after looking at my SYRIAN passport, why I had been to Syria!

Probably that customs officer who made the decision of holding that "unacceptable commodity" is the blood brother of the border
control officer, I wouldn't be surprised! At the end of a long business day at the US customs, he goes home to his wife and kids
and tells them how he has prevented the bad people from acquiring "tools" that would have been used in evil matters! He will be
a hero....but no one will stop for a second and think...ummm...a calculator!

Come on Americans! Think before you say things of act on things!

On a different perspective.... Why did we have to go through the US customs in the first place? Oh yeah, because we couldn't get that stupid calculator in Syria!

Here is the "unacceptable commodity"

Sad day

2007-10-05T04:52:00.000+03:00

I woke up to read the devastating news of the death of Yazan's parents in a car accident.

It took me a bit to absorb it and realize it...... before it hit me. I was speechless.

He went back home to see his parents, they were driving back from Saudi Arabia to see him, but the meeting never took place, the destiny played its death card.

May they rest in peace and Allah yerhamhon. We are all here for you Yazan.

How to locate Hummus in Canada!

2007-09-14T05:44:00.000+03:00

If it happens that you visit Canada and happens that you don't read English or French and it's Ramadan and you feel like eating some Hummus (msabaha)...what can you do?

Simply, go to any supermarket...look for anything that has a photo of a camel and/or a bedouin in the desert....and you just found your meal!

P.S.: Hummus is NOT even a part of the Arabian cuisin! It's a Syrian/Lebanese food and those two countries are not identified by such tradmarkes!!

A special day

2007-09-10T22:43:00.000+03:00

20 days felt like 2 days, tons of outings and visits felt like one short dinner out….This is what best describes my short, surprising visit to Damascus. At 9 AM, 3 weeks ago, I was standing at my family's door knocking, they were having their morning coffee…my mom opened the door, her eyes widened, it took her a full minute to register what she saw... and then burst in tear while hugging me….My sister and older brother rushed to see what was happening, they were startled and froze for a couple of minutes as well. My younger brother then came rubbing his eyes to wake himself up as he didn't believe he was up….ten minutes later, all were silent, I started to get confused not knowing what to say….I wish I had a video cam with me to tape those minutes. My family was expecting my visit; however, I arrived few months earlier!

I had always wanted to do so….. to be far away…and then come unannounced and surprise everybody….nobody back home knew about my visit!

Then the word spread and I got swamped with friends and family members…members that I don't even remember knowing before…but after all this is part of the social life in Syria…. It comes in one package….no picking or choosing of what we want in that package.

During my short stay…..I celebrated my 30th birthday…. I'm not happy with how old I have grown to be…. knowing that I still have lots of checkboxes yet to fill…. A new era has begun in my life. The 30s are usually the mental scapegoat for the 20s…whatever we fail to achieve in our 20s…we convince ourselves that we still have the 30s to make everything come true…. I no longer have that luxury, alas!

So here is a brief summary of my empty life checkboxes:

Education: I still need 8 months to obtain my first Canadian Business degree. Add two years to that to finish my studies as a whole!

Family: I live alone… I have no special one and the environment that I live in doesn't help at all…. Short visits back home aren't enough to meet that one…. I'm tired with dating in here as well….for one I know that nothing serious would come out of dating a local girl or a peer international student in here. I know for a fact that I want my life partner to be Syrian and being aware of how old I'm…I just don't enjoy relationships that are doomed the moments they start!

Work: I have a job…but yet to start a career as without a Canadian degree there is nothing to be done in here!

Social life: It sucks big time…. I'm too old to go out partying….and partying is all what there is in here!

Friends: All are either back home or scattered around the globe….as for her…I do have many friends…or better say acquaintances but not enough cultural bases to start up something that would last….just things that fulfill the little of social needs that I have.

Health: Nothing has changed hamdillah….but I'm smoking more cigars these days. Cigars and Argileh are two bad habits that I have picked up here in Canada…

Despite all this....my 30th birthday remained a special day as I got to spend it with family and friends...not alone in Canada!

I'm going to post about Syria, they way I saw it during my visit, but I will do that soon on my Bits & Bites blog!

a bit of my quality time..alone

2007-07-09T05:49:00.000+03:00

I shot this a couple of weeks ago.....

Living alone is not that bad after all....I wonder why I keep complaining!!

1000 reasons why I suck!

2007-07-04T20:57:00.000+03:00

Here it goes, summer has softly hit the island. Beautiful scenery and great weather, well most of the time, fresh and clean air fills the lungs a lot of beaches on the Atlantic ocean.....yet, here I'm....spending my time in my cubical for 9 hours per day and the rest of the day on my chaise-longe, watching tv, smoking a cigar/argileh or just....thinking...

I have been wanting to blog for some time, but I'm just blocked from everything! I don't feel like doing a thing, weird, eh? I have abandoned my camera, the close friend that I have had ever since I left home, it's setting there in my room, dusty and neglected.

This day last summer, I was in New York, and was getting ready to fly to Dubai and home, eventually. My summer was full of energy that I got from the positive thoughts of going home and spending 2 months among my beloved ones.

I was going over my previous posts, gosh what a whining pathetic loser I have been for the last....well..few years...gosh, what has gotten into me?!

I haven't been able to establish a decent relationship in here, at all levels. When I gather my strength and energy and go on a date, I turn into Chandler of "Friends", so shallowly picky. If I get into a physical encounter, I just miss the hugs and the kisses and the heat of being with someone I love....If I go out with a group of people, I don't try to mingle, I just don't find any interest in making any effort. They talk about hockey, beer, video games and a great party they had in Halifax....I'm just not there, so distant and not interested in being a part of the conversation, mainly because I'm not into that. Someone speaks about politics....I start judging how ignorant they are in what they are talking about. How unbearable I am!

I do go to the movies a lot though, but end up going alone most of the time because most of the people I know cannot afford watching all those movies in theatre, yet, they spend 3 times in a night out in a bar...getting wasted!

I used to bike a lot a while ago, I used to bike downtown to a park on the water front "Victoria"....sit there on the rocks, stare at the calm ocean and puff smokes into the air. I haven't done that in a while now.

My brother finally got engaged.....it's good news, I guess, but I'm not feeling great about this. I donno why, it's just a feeling. I spoke to his fiance, I didn't like her voice on the phone. I have nothing against her, I just feel this way. And yeah, now one more gift to buy whenever I'm going home....

I'm going camping next weekend, flying to Toronto for 4 days, meeting with 3 other Syrian guys, Omar of Earth to Omar, Ghassan of Homs/Ottawa, and Bassel of Lattakia/Toronto. They are good guys, fun to be with. I can relate to them and there are actually things that we can talk about. It should be fun.

I'm so much in need to be in a relationship, emotional, loving, intellectually stimulating one. There is no chance on planet earth that I can find someone here who can give me that.....I live on an island with a bridge for god sake! I have to meet a Syrian girl, Syrian girls rock! well, some of them at least.....but they are scarcity in here, actually the only one that I met here is pretty much the worst girl I have seen in my whole life at all levels! so I'm stuck.....

That was a lot of blabbing....oh, my bad!

May & June in few words...

2007-06-09T02:38:00.000+03:00

Amid all the good things, one thing should be bad and ruins all. Amid all the good thoughts, one thought should be bad and keeps us alert. Amid all the good people, one has to be bad and happens to be the one we know. Amid all the good plans, one has to be bad and screw up EVERYTHING!

This has been my summery for May and June…so far…..

Impulsive....

2007-04-24T07:59:00.000+03:00

An hour ago…… I had nothing in mind…and no plans….

A half an hour ago….. I was extremely bored…but still no plans…

Ten minutes ago… I decided that I should have a plan to kill my boredom…

Two minutes ago….I bought my plane ticket to Ottawa….

Now…I have a plan….

One hour later....I will be packing my handbag….

Two hours later..... I have to be at the airport…..

Three hours later...... I will be connecting flights in Trudeau Airport, Montreal.

Four hours later…I will be in Ottawa….and that would be the end of my current plan….

Then what? Just me in a new city with no plan beyond arrival to that city…

It's crazy….but should be fun….

My Feedback on a party

2007-04-09T21:40:00.000+03:00

A gathering of four people, beers, wine, pot and tabacco is all what it takes to join the North American socio-culture.

On the left window, you can see the accumulating snow during 20 CM snowstorm that was hitting Charlottetown that night, two days ago!

The argileh is, of course, my hamble contribution to this culture....

Still, when you do these "pre-party" rituals with mature people is so different than when with university kids.

Fun? I don't remember!
Met new people? I don't remember!
Danced? I don't remember!
Paid any money? I don't remember!

All what I really remember was a huge tattoo on somebody's back....and hearing Michael Jackson singing in Arabic and my head getting heavy that I had to hold it with my hands!

Miss home even more..... :(

Serendipity

2007-04-07T09:55:00.000+03:00

It starts with a fortunate accident, destiny leads the way, signals and clues spice it up and they all make my all time favorite romance movie, Serendipity.

I first watched it 4 years ago. I was going through some "rough" time with the lady at that time and the movie was all what a person in my shoes would need. It has, ever since, become my life-is-a-good-place movie. It's so full of hope that charges me with it whenever my reservoir of hope runs out... and oh boy doesn't it run out so quickly and often these days?

That movie, was the main reason for my first visit to New York city, where the "serendipitous" events take place. When I was at the American embassy in Damascus applying for a visa, the counsellor lady asked me why I wanted to go to New York, my answer was: "Have you seen a movie called Serendipity?" She was like "huh?"...nevermind, I replied.

I always feel happy and sad at the same time after watching it. I feel happy for the Jonathan (John Cusack) and feel sad for myself. He is, at the beginning, far from being a"hopeless romantic" type of guy...yet...as the movie progresses, he is so into that type. I, myself, don't admit being like that...but deep inside, I'm so fucked up like that. As I grow older, I get more rigid from the outside and softener from the inside with my head controlling what I say/see/or convince myself or others with. It's crap, I know it somewhere deep inside me. I tend to appear like that fucking careless emotionless guy just to protect myself. I have no idea what I'm protecting myself from though! Maybe the loneliness I have been in for the last few years, the emotional vacuum I have had inside me for all those years.

I just watched it one more time, I still felt the same, but this time I felt so distant from any emotional encounter I have even had. I felt alienated from any feeling. I'm forgetting how it really feels. My last closeness with the counterparts from the other sex has been, and for the last 2 years, merely physical and emotionless. I do know that I miss it and I certainly need it so much now more than ever, but I don't see myself being there again. Although I'd die for it, but it's becoming a part of a movie, something that I watch on tv and I know that it ends with the movie or tv show and everybody goes back home and none of that really exists anymore, to me at least.

It's pretty serious feeling that I hate to have, but I do...there is nothing that I can do about it...so until someone swips off my feet and takes my breath away, if ever...Serendipity will be my only dose of emotion or my emotional stimulation that I have to live through every once in a while.....

The making of "The King"

2007-04-04T05:21:00.000+03:00

One of my all time favorites, I can eat it like there is no tomorrow, Yallangi, is the king of my hors d'œuvre.
I haven't been getting a lot of good news recently; finding a grocery shop that sells grape leaves was one of the very few exceptions.
Called my mom, she e-mailed me the "how" to make, checked Abu-Fare's blog for "how to wrap" and I was ready to rock "n" roll...

What looked like this:

Merged later forming the "king"....

The wrapping was not an easy task, it took me forever. My back was in pain by the end of the operation. I had no other choice but to carry on… the temptations were strong…the image of me nibbling the Yalangi was all over my head. It had haunted me for few months now…

Of course, just like most of my "firsts" I had to video-tape it. I think I had many flows in wrapping the leaves, so if you are a person that can spot my mistakes, please highlight them for me!

Hours later on that day, the table was ready and I was about to start my lustful journey in eating my "treats".

Yallangi, although known to be a local appetizer in Syria and Lebanon, it's considered of Turkish origins. However, my theory says Yallangi is too good to be Turkish, therefore, the recipe was stolen among many other things from Syria during the Ottoman occupation, renamed and re-introduced as a part of the Turkish cuisine. This theory remains un-refutable and un-testable, however it will always be true to me. Ameen!

My enemy has my money!

2007-04-02T00:32:00.000+03:00

I started smoking arigleh not long time ago, occasionally however. But since I've come to Canada and brought an argileh and loads of tobacco, things have been different. It's no longer about smoking, but about doing something that puts me back home. When I inhale or smell it, I'm all of a sudden sitting in Haretna restaurant in Damasucus surrounded by my friends. Another inhale and I'm on the terrace at my best friend's Hekmat's playing backgammon. This is why I smoke argileh so often here in PE-fucking-I.

Anyway, this is not what I want to talk about. A while ago, I was close to run out of tobacco, and being on this shit hole called PEI, there is no chance to find any, although it's easily available in the rest of Canada. I had to look for online stores and I did. I found this site smooking-hookah. Very decent prices and they have almost everything I would need. I checked the company's whereabouts and found out it was based in New Jersey. I placed an order and waited to get my new stack of tobacco that will help me burn my lungs even more.

Yesterday, I got the postman knocking on my door. He handed me a box which I instantly knew had the "stuff".

I was looking at the box, on one side was written that it was sent to me….but on the other side, the sender's address was a big surprise for me…a fucking big surprise….it was sent to me from Herzelia, Israel!

I was not keen on the campaigns some people do against some American companies claiming that when you buy a can of Pepsi for instance, 10% will go to support Israel. Up till this moment, I don't but these stories. But this is different; this time my money went to Israel straight forward, with not even a mediator! I feel bad.

I guess next time someone wants to buy "oriental" things off the internet, we should contact the company and ask where they ship their merchandise from.

A friend of mine told me to through them away, well that's bullshit, they already got my money and now I should just be throwing my stuff!!! Not so clever I'd day! Another friend told me that since I paid and there is no return policy, I should smoke my ass off to the fullest since what's done is done.

The point from this post is to be careful to whom you are paying your money to online!

Unreadable material

2007-03-28T05:43:00.000+02:00

It's midnight here in the Potato Land…also known as PE-fucking-I.

I have never hated a place as much as I hate this place. But I'm not gonna be writing about it… not because many people from PEI read my blog…because honestly I don't give a dead rat's ass about many…well..most….hmm..all of them…just I don't want to ruin the moment of enlightenment that I'm having now… sitting in my living room…sipping tea, smoking my last Davidoff cigar and listening to the great Syrian singer Lena Chamamian….candles on and cell phone off.

The school term is about to end, my family has been nagging to go home for a visit this summer but I have made a decision that the next time I pack my stuff in PEI…it should be with no return that means, a year from now. The plan was to finish by the end of this year; however, a slight unanticipated change caused me an extra 4 months of stay on the island.

I'm looking for a job, because I'm not taking many summer courses and I fear that having some extra free time in here with nothing to do might drive me crazy, so I want to make sure I stay sane. Plus, some extra cash is always good to have especially that I might be going to Miami later on this summer on a road trip from Montreal.

The weather is getting nicer and today was one of the warmest this year. It looks like it's gonna be a hell of a summer in here. Humidity is worse than snow for me. All that thanks to global warming, the topic that I have to write a report on, submit and present on Thursday. I still have the ideas but no writing whatsoever. I'm gonna be swamped tomorrow with work. I've come to discover that time management is not one of my traits. I can only work under pressure. I had 2 month to write this report and I will be writing in one day, the very last day! It's not a good thing but I have to feel that I'm pressured so I can get myself together and do some serious work, as long as I have the ideas.

For a while on this island, I never met any Syrians, and then I met the money-worshipper/cheap landlord who happens to be of Syrian origins. But that was it, I had met no more Syrians…However, just very recently, I have met so many of them, all at once, and the weird thing is that all of them are from one part of Syria…while they say they are from Damascus, but they are from a town 40 minutes far from Damascus called Qatana…there is literally no Syrians that I've met in here who are not from Qatana. Of course the weird thing is that they are not relatives, I would understand if they were have blood relation of some kind cuz that would explain why they migrated from the same town. Anyway, a friend of mine who lives in Montreal told me, when I first told her that I would be going to PEI, that it was like Qatana. At that time, I thought she meant size and population wise…but apparently…she meant demographic wise.
One of my very best friends that I once had was from Qatana, but she was born and raised in Cyprus. I'm starting to think that Qatana has been left empty and nobody lives in there!

I salute whoever reached this far in reading. I wouldn't read what I wrote, simply because it has no sense, no idea, no nothing….just words from here and there. I just felt like talking and I'd already visited most of the blogs that I read and left irrelevant comments but that didn't quench my desire for blabbing…. So I ended up writing this nonsense that you just enjoyed.

T3eesho w taklo ghairha…please visit more often ;p

Ok...I'm editing the post because i felt sorry for you guys...I want to compensate you...and the best I could offer is a photo I took an hour ago in my living room....maybe it will help you get a sense of the settings I have in the room:

click to enlarge and maybe get the scent

Cheating death...

2007-03-17T06:20:00.000+02:00

Few years ago, my best friend, Wael, a 30 year-old civil pilot at the Syrian Airlines and a father of a beautiful girl, went to a hospital in Damascus to have his appendix removed, he ended up in the ICU for few days and several emergency surgeries were done on him because of a doctor's fault. All the surgeries came with even worse results. Few days later, the doctors announced that he was a hopeless case and that they would be surprised if he lived until the morning after. His father, younger brother Alaa, mother, and sisters couldn't accept that news. They got hysterical; how come one of the simplest surgeries ever results in death. They made few calls and in a couple of hours, an ambulance that carried Wael was speeding on the way to Beirut. More hours later, Wael was resurrected at the AUB hospital. At the time that he should be dead as per the doctors who operated on him in Damascus, he was stable and started to get better.

Wael has almost been back to normal ever since. With the exceptions of some minor issues and set backs, he is very good for someone who has been through all that. His family was saved from a tremendous grief. With their persistence and faith, they cheated death.

Just few minutes ago, I got this message from a friend of mine :

"j'ai la tristess pour t' nnouncer le mourir du frere de Wael Sasa ;Alaa le 13 mars en raison d'operation de son nez"

It reads:

"I'm saddened to announce the death of Wael's brother, Alaa, on the 13th of March during a nasal surgery"

I had to read it over and over…I couldn't believe it. I called Wael, nobody answered. I called the friend who e-mailed me. He told me what had happened, he told me the story of Alaa:

2 months ago, Alaa, a 22 years-old super nice youngman that I know so well, finished his military service and was about to start his life.

2 weeks ago, he started working in some company and was very happy….his life started to have a meaning.

2 days ago, he went to the hospital to have a minor surgery that is done millions of times a day; a Nasal Septal Deviation (in7eeraf wateera). He never left the hospital alive! He died after a multiplications caused by the anesthesia.

He left home…kissed his mom and dad and told them that he would be back for dinner, he asked his mom to cook his favorite dish. He left ...... but never returned. They never saw him alive again, never heard his voice and never saw his smile.

That family never cheated the death. The death was playing with them and caught them off guarded at a moment when everything seemed to be working out just fine for everybody in this family. The death claimed the life of the youngest member in this family reminding them and everyone else that no matter how young or old, no matter how healthy or sick…there is no guarantee that we will return once we leave our home in the morning.

I feel so angry…and very sad. Alaa is gone, now he feels and sees nothing; he is now resting in peace and calmness….so much unlike his family!

Sex vs. Masturbation

2007-03-16T07:00:00.000+02:00

I always thought that sex completely occupies the heads of the people from the east because of the social/religious restrictions. Well, I guess that had nothing to do with any restrictions, as having lived in a different culture where getting sex is as easy sometimes as getting a drink I could see that it still occupies and drives the behavior of people, just in a different way. It's not the restrictions that empower and magnify it…

It's all about the instinct.

I always said that having sex is just like drinking sea water when we are thirsty, it just gets us more thirsty and in need to more water. Now, we have the instinct…and god gave us hands…so why the hassle about sex? If we wanna go through the headache, problems, and concerns regarding sexual intercourse; we will definitely stop thinking about sex….for few minutes at least, before we shift back to our horny nature as males…

I'm writing a list to compare between sex and masturbation ….notable that by sex I mean meaningless sex, not with the loved one…just random sex with a sex partner, one night stands, casual sex or "friend with benefit"….

Economic aspects:

Unlike sex, you don't have to invite yourself over dinner or even to the movies when you want to pleasure yourself.
When you pleasure yourself, you don't need to buy contraceptive materials including emergency pills in case she forgets hers and things get out of hand….

Physical aspects:

A man needs an average of 2 minutes or 3 top to climax while a woman needs a minimum average of 10 to 15 minutes to climax (if she ever will)... So basically, when sex, you have to spend an extra 12 minutes of physical action just to return the favor for a pleasure that you only need 2 minutes to reach when you are alone.
You don't need foreplay if you are doing your homework alone, foreplay helps women orgasm. We don't need it, we are easy to satisfy!
When you are alone, you can go do whatever you were doing the moment you finish, you don't have to lie down next to anybody, cuddle, or snuggle or just stay there….women are so demanding.
When you are working on your own, it's ok to fantasize that it's Nicole Kidman that you are with, while that is really not ok when you actually have someone with you.
When masturbating, you don't even have to be in shape, worry about your physique or pay a gym membership to workout (should go to the economic aspects as well)…cuz the only one who is seeing you naked…is YOU!
With masturbation, no worries about STDs. You won't catch anything that you don't already have

After all what I have listed and plenty more, do you still think that sex is driving you crazy? Wake up buddy! If you are not in a loving relationship….don't over-rate sex...and you might wanna consider using the power of your hands.

Why I'm writing this post…I have no fucking idea….I just watched a movie called Shortbus and it triggered me....among other things!

Lemon and Lemonade

2007-02-27T05:22:00.000+02:00

I have just moved into a new apartment where I live all by myself…no strangers called roommates…no cheap landlord who wants to save money…. I'm, by all means, enjoying living alone for the first time in Canada!

I just got back to school after the spring break; I have loads of school work and projects, I'm gonna have pretty hectic time ahead of me….I should work hard and get things done so I feel better about myself…

I'm back on the dating world as well…. Nothing serious…just dating…when I first came to Canada, I dated few girls, most of them were International students…but now, I'm just dating Canadians. It's part of experiencing the Canadian style of life… I'm sure being in the Potato land is not giving me the fullest chance of experiencing it…but I'm doing what I can do that suits my picky nature and busy schedule…

I love my new place… it has a bedroom and a spacious living room, a small kitchen that has an opening to this living room. I only have the stuff that goes in a bedroom…and I don't have much money to spend…so I did some cheap shopping, got some cushions and an indoor chaise-longue and a small coffee table…they all went together perfectly and created a cozy semi-oriental setting… I got lots of candles…so now as I write… I'm laying on the chaise-longue…a cup of tea …and my favorite cigar are next to me…lights off…all candles are lit up… Naseer Shamma Oud music is playing… I'm having a good relaxing time….

I'm still waiting for the summer courses schedule so that I can know exactly when I will be getting my BBA and leaving this place for good….then I will have to start chasing after my old dream…the MBA...I have few MBA schools in mind in Toronto and Montreal…. But I also wanna apply to some fancy MBA schools in the US…not that I can make it as my GPA is not that impressive thanks to my transferred courses from Damascus University…nor that I can afford it…but still, I'm applying…

Once I have my MBA started…I could say that I'm on the right track for my career…or at least I could say that things are going as planned….

Nothing new has happened to cheer me up….all the same..I have enough worries and concerns that can burry me alive….I'm just trying to look at the bright side of the tunnel…A great person used to tell me "when life gives you lemon, make lemonade".

A year later....

2007-01-05T06:56:00.000+02:00

Like today…a year ago…I was setting my foot in this place….it was new to me…I was lost, didn't know where to go, what to do, who to talk to… I felt I didn't I belong….

A year later, I now longer don't know where to go or who to talk to, I know everything around you, I know where to go and what to do, but I'm still lost…I still feel that I don't belong, never will!

When I was lost year, I was disoriented as I had just arrived to a new country! But my feeling of being lost this year is different than that feeling. I feel I'm lost inside, in my head and my spirit….

I came chasing an old dream….and maybe escaping reality that I had created by my misjudgments….

Earlier this week, I got some blows to some plans I have been working on. Had things work out; I would have a great year on many levels, school, and career, financial and personal. All gone now…!

I was on the phone with mom today, her voice sounded distant, or maybe I was distant….the conversation went as usual, her expressing her hopes and worries, me on the other hand, comforting her that I'm ok and that everything is perfectly alright. I wanted to tell her that I don't feel alright, I wanted to tell her that I hate my life, but the only words that came out were: I'm fine, mom!

Here I'm, virtually, complaining once again with the absence of somebody to talk to, who would understand and relate to me! I feel like I have lost my social skills. I have lost the warmth in me. I feel like I'm lost….well, I am!

Tattoos for now

2006-11-24T07:34:00.000+02:00

I have lots of things I want to talk about, lots of stuff about me, my life, my thoughts and my feelings! I just don't feel like it. But this post is not about it. It's about tattoos!

I've always loved this trend. If I have to choose between a woman with a tattoo and a woman with a brain, I'd go for the one with a tattoo...as I may never find the one with the brain considering their scarcity ;)

For now, I here introduce you my very first tattoo and probably the last!

Father and Son

2006-10-07T10:21:00.000+02:00

It's almost 5 AM in here, I have had a sleepless night, did nothing but going through old photos, mainly photos of me and my old man…..I haven't seen him in a couple of years. He passed away on the 24th of April 1997. But I always felt his presence by my side, years after he'd been gone….I felt his tapping on my back when I felt week… I heard his encouraging laughs whenever I did something good. He's gone. I cannot feel him anymore. I miss him. He was a great father, the best a son could ever want. I didn't have enough time with him; I was only 20 year-old when he was gone. I was right about to be in the age of becoming his close friend. He didn't want my friendship, so he was gone. He chose death rather than sticking around with me. Or is it death that was jealous because we were close? I don't care; I just miss having a father, miss having him. I could have needed his presence in my life. Why do people have to die anyway? Ever since I remember, I used to pray to god and ask him to take my life before he takes my parents'. God never listened to me. He claimed my dad's life at a time that I needed a father. At a time when a father would have taken my hands, guided me and protected me from my misjudgments.

I used to close my eyes and feel him lying in his bed and talking to me, I feel him trying to talk to me just like they way he did before he died when he was not able to speak. He spoke to me through his eyes. He was sad. I never knew why. I was right there with him, but he was sad.

Now I know why.....

It was because he knew that one day, I will stop feeling his presence…I will stop remembering him before going to bed, I will stop going to the cemetery to pay him my usual visit that didn't stop until recently. He knew it all, he closed his eyes for the last time, knowing that I will forget about him.

I let my father down......

29 year-old VIRGIN....

2006-09-05T23:52:00.000+03:00

I'm officially old! Although I feel nothing unusual, but the fact remains, I'm old now!

The past year has passed very fast, probably one of the fastest. I feel that I may have started to be on the right track. Thus, I don't care much about how old.

I've had a busy year, lots of major changes: quitting job, leaving the country, back to study, a lot of traveling and money spending! I'm writing my post now at Dubai International airport while awaiting my flight to New York, then Canada. I'm sad and already miss my family and some people. But I'm going to finish what I have started. One month and 3 weeks have passed like a glimpse. Lots of outings and socializing but nothing fruitful and accomplishing at all!

My vacation in Syria has showed me that what connects me to this country and my home city is my family….nothing else! I donno if I should feel ashamed! Well, I'm not anyway. I'm not sure if it was me or the people are changing, or maybe they have always been like but I'd never noticed, or maybe I was one of them and I'm the one who is changing! The problem is that I don't feel it. I mean, even if I was changing, I'm not realizing, in fact, I may be rationalizing it as an evident and better thing. I'm not sure if the changes are for better. But I'm neither worried about them nor afraid that they may be for the worse.

I re-read what I read and felt how vague this post is. I will definitely want to thoroughly post about the feeling of change and the changes. But now is not the time. Maybe later!

For now, all what I care is that I'm a 29 year old. One year to go and I'm 30! Half of my life (if not sudden accidents or plane crashes) have passed. I have done a lot, experienced a lot and lived through a lot as well Known lots of people. Being disappointed by many of them and I did disappoint some myself, being stupidly in love once, met a perfect match once but didn't know at the time (long story). Lost a parent, become an uncle (not a popular one), and visited only one quarter of the places that I wanna visit before getting married!

I hope the second half of my life (again, if no sudden accidents or planes crashes occurred) will be more fulfilling on all level.
Education and career: Finish my MBA and start in a career within 3 years from now.
Love: Find someone
Life: Travel to Peru, Mexico, Brazil and Argentina, Japan, China and Kenya. (Before the "love" factor exists.
Family: Keep having my great family.
Friends: They come and go, but for those who have lasted, I hope they can bear me for another 30 years or so.

I had several birthdays' celebrations yesterday, 3 to be exact. I got some nice gifts and ate a lot, 4 to be exact, as in one celebration, I ate twice!

I still have an hour and a half for my flight, I'd better go and have one last tour in the "super" Duty Free Shop they have in here. I've already spend a lot on perfumes, smokes and cigar. But boy, the prices are so good and the stuff is ever better!

Oh by the way, I just looked it up, it's "Virgo" not "Virgin" and it's the horoscope for those who are born in the last week of August and first 2 weeks of September, and that would be me ;)

City of wealth

2006-07-11T11:53:00.000+03:00

If you are looking for a place to spend all your money! I recommend Dubai! This city that has no real attractions except for the fancy malls and incredibly expensive hotels! While driving in this city you can see the wealth of this city! A state of the art modern buildings! New towers are arising everyday. Several artificial islands have been made to built new fancy projects!

It's so different than any other place! The weather is awful but it's the summer and the high season in this place is the winter! Everything is expensive but you can find EVERYTHING you want!

The main attraction for me was the dunes of the desert! Just like in Sinbad or Ali-Baba….dunes of golden sands! I LOVED IT!

One thing that I really hated was the fact that although this city is an Arabic city, the Arabic language came 4th in important after English (not the English that we know but the Punjabi-English), Punjabi and Urdu come before the Arabic! I spoke no Arabic except with my friends! It's shame, I think!

Anyways, it was interesting to see what this city is about! I wanted to have a dinner at Burj Al-Arab but they have a dress code and I had no formal cloth with me! So I ended up saving paying 150 USD for dinner! Haha…no regrets!

I'm now at Dubai international airport, which is a piece of the art itself as well! In few hours I will be home! Allah yestor!!!!

New York!

2006-07-06T17:31:00.000+03:00

This city is something different! I have seen a lot, but nothing is like New York! I love it but won't like living in it! It's so fast moving city! Everything and everybody is on the constant move, 24 hours!

This week has been one of the shortest weeks of my adult life! It was just yesterday when I was at LaGuardia Airport arriving to NY, now I'm at JFK airport waiting for my flight!

In the past week, I went to the top of 2 skyscrapers, visited 2 museums, and walked for a whole day, literally speaking, from 9 to 9! I left no spot in Manhattan that I didn't visit. I feel like I know the streets of Manhattan as if I lived there for some time!

People are different, quite nice I would say, as nice as the Canadians.

I love this city! It has everything! All sorts of people. I was at the Rock center, in the beginning of the hour, I talked to a girl who turned out to be from Israel, at the end of the hour I spoke to a guy who turned to be from Palestine, she was cutter by the way ;)!

Still, living in it means dying young! Being in rush 24/7, struggling to survive the fast pace of life there is not something easy!

I have a lot to say about this week! No time for now, later or maybe never!

My next stop is Dubai, quite a shift ha?

Oh Canada!

2006-06-30T08:29:00.000+03:00

Although I have been in Canada for 7 months, but the truth is, I just got to Canada few days ago!

The moment I arrived to Montreal, I knew what Canada is about; such a great country indeed. Of course, you have to know where to go if you wanna feel what I'm saying! hint: Don't go to PEI!

This city has changed the negative impression I'd had about Canada and the Canadians during my stay in PEI. People are so different; they can socialize, dress very well, and smell really good. I'd had thought that Canadian women were allergic to perfumes. I was wrong, they do wear perfumes. Men can actually dress neatly and look good with suits. The cultural difference is very significant between the Canadians themselves, the ones on the east cost and the ones in Montreal.

For a week in Montreal, I don't recall seeing obese women, the scene that I saw hundreds of times a day back in Charlottetown. While being drunk is mostly the only skill that Islanders have in PEI, Canadians in this city have lots of other skills and beer is not one of them. The have unrevealed the secret of social drinking!

I was in Montreal during the weekend of the Grand prix and Fashion festival. The city was packed and alive. Montreal has climbed the list and is now the second most beautiful city after Paris.

I had the chance to meet with many people, mostly Syrians and French Canadians. The Quebecois are really super nice. Syrians, however, are Syrian and they are the best - as I'm one of them- ;)

I met with Omar. We went to a pub one night, ate sushi one other day and had a long walk in the old port of Montreal and we get wet under a heavy summer rain.

I went out with a lovely French Canadian girl, Gabrielle, whom I met in the metro. Too bad I'm not in Montreal anymore.

Last but not least for Montreal, I went clubbing, got stoned, and ended up in a strip club and refused to get laid for 25$ with a drunk girl. It was a fun trip.

Now I'm in Toronto. This city is huge; it's the business city of Canada with lots of skyscrapers in the downtown area. You can find all sorts of ethnic restaurants in this city of a fast life style. Almost everybody wears a suit during the day. Lovely.

Tomorrow I'm going to Niagara Falls, and later at night, I will be meeting with Omar, another Syrian blogger.

I do love Canada, the real Canada that is famous for its diversity and nice people.

I have taken lots of photos of which I will be selecting some and upload them to my Flickr album. Stay tuned!

My next stop is New York! Holly shit!

Done....for now!

2006-06-21T14:06:00.000+03:00

I just finished packing up my stuff! I'm outta here for this summer! If you hate packing, try to do it when u don't have one permanent place! All my stuff have been distributed here and there!

Yet, I'm so excited! My flight is in a couple of hours!….. I cannot describe how stressed this place has made me! The only thing that is holding me from having the ultimate happiness is the fact that I'm only going away for the summer! Alas….

I have to admit though that the weather in the evenings is so lovely. This is what I love in Charlottetown not to forget the amazing nature!

When I come back in September, I will be as new as I was when I came 7 months ago! Most of the friends that I have made in here were not from this place and they won't be back in September.

My next post is going to be from Montreal, a real Canadian city this time! Not just a town of a 100 people!

Montreal….here I come!

My first kill!

2006-05-21T06:52:00.000+03:00

Today, I had my first kill!

I cooked a lobster! I boiled some water; put a bunch of stuff in it like lemon, orange, garlic, onion, pepper and salt, and then I threw a live lobster in it! This is the only way to cook that creature. It's sad, but I heard that they don't suffer when they are thrown in roaring and boiling water! This is what people say so they don't feel guilty while eating their kills of lobsters.

I liked the test of the meat, but the whole experience of cooking it alive and breaking its hard shell, ruined my appetite. I simply didn't enjoy it!

I had it few days ago at a restaurant and it was Ok, expensive however.

Here is how it looked after being cooked.

My advice: Stick to the fish!

And yeah, another piece of advice: If you have read Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, don't watch the movie. I did yesterday. It was less exciting than the book. However, if you haven't read the book, then watch the movie, you are gonna love it!

Goodbye....

2006-05-19T18:49:00.000+03:00

As I write these words, she is walking down the aisle in Damascus. May 19, 2006, is her wedding day!

I cannot describe the feelings that I have. I feel weird. She is not a girl that I knew or just dated, she was the one, or I thought she was when we were together. She was not a girlfriend, she was a lover.

Goodbye Rahaf…..

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me….

an Arab named Eddie!

2006-05-11T04:31:00.000+03:00

I have observed a phenomena here in Canada among the Arabs that I have met! Well, I need to mention that I did not seek to meet them, but my roommates, a German and a French only hang out with Arabs here in Charlottetown……well, maybe because it's almost impossible to hang out or befriend locals! For a while, I thought it was me, but then I noticed that almost all the Non-Canadians in the town, hang out with each other and rarely hang out with locals, even some Canadians who are not from this province, tend to enjoy the company of other non-locals! I donno what is the secret of the locals in here, maybe they are hiding some treasure and are afraid that if they mingle with non-locals, the secret may get revealed!

Anyways….that was not the main topic….the observation was that of all those Arabs….I'm the only one who keeps his/her name! I mean all of them, at least the ones that I have met or my friends have met or hang out with, have dropped their names and picked up new western names!

I kinna hate that!

I believe that if I'm to live in some foreign county, which is what I'm doing now, I have many obligations toward this country and its people, for example, speaking their language, learning their culture, obeying the rules, etc., which is what I'm doing as well. But I don't have to change my name and use a name that is easy for anybody to pronounce!

My name is Ihsan, of course nobody can pronounce it as it should be pronounced, I get called, Issan, Izan, Ishan, but my friends are closer everyday to say it right. So why would I consider or think of changing my name into Edie or Mike or Lauren! Hmmm, I guess Lauren doesn't really work with me…or does it? Nice name anyway!

I have met people from Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Jordan and Palestine here in Canada, none of them kept his/her name!

I knew so many Canadians, Americans, Europeans and even Eastern Asians when I was in Damascus, but I don't recall meeting someone who has changed his/her name!

While the announced reason is taking an easy-to-pronounce name! I'm 100% that the reason is to hide their backgrounds and their origins!

I think those who do not respect their original identity; they will never be able to respect their new identity, simply, because they have no self-respect whatsoever.

Yalla, that's it for now…..

Detached....

2006-05-06T09:23:00.000+03:00

I got some of the data that was on my ex-laptop that crashed last week. Even though I paid $70 for that, but I'm glad that I didn't lose my photos.

I was going through them, my family, and with family I mean mom and siblings, friends and people that I have known. I felt very distant, distant from everybody, distant from myself, I feel detached.

I don't know, or don't want to know, what has made me like this, what has happened that changed me. I used to be so different, on the relationship level. I used to do some effort and think sincerely in order to keep my relationships with people as strong as possible, not anymore, and for the last few years, close people can tell that Ihsan is not Ihsan anymore.

Then, who am I? What has gotten into me? Why have I given up on my sincerity after a couple of bad experiences? I was not badly hurt, but why I have become very defensive and able to shut down myself for the slightest reason and simply say "I don't care"? I say it so I can hear it and deceive myself that I'm doing the right thing, I may have protected myself a couple of times, less or more, but on the other hand, who knows what I have missed!

I'm such a hypocrite. I say I don't care….but the fact is that I do fucking care. I always enjoyed being surrounded by people.

I was talking to one of my used-to-be closest friends ever; he wrote me a poem about our friendship that was stronger than a blood-relation, however, he couldn't give it to me, he couldn't let me read it, because he wasn't sure I'm the same person he has written the poem for. I'm not sure either. I cannot call him my best friend ever anymore. I cannot call anybody "my close friend" anymore, I'm still over-protecting myself, but from who or from what?

I haven't been making compromises for anybody. When something doesn't go well, I don't try to work it out, I would simply say, "the hell with it/him/her, this is me, I'm not changing myself for anybody or anything!" But.....does "compromise" mean changing oneself? If so, the word shouldn't have existed, people would have been using the word "change" instead!

I miss all what I used to be, I miss all what I used to do to the people, that I cared about, to show them how much I cared. I miss doing the sincere gestures that my friends used to love, the very same gestures that now I consider silly to do.

I don't know if I will ever be the old caring person that I once was! I don't think I know how to be like that anymore.....

I wish I can be like that again, I wish I can be worth that poem, my poem....... I truly do....

Another sleepless night goes by....

Scattered phrases....

2006-05-02T02:28:00.000+03:00

It's been long since I wrote anything, not that I have lots of things to blog about!

I started writing new post many times, but ended up deleting what I had written….

The spring has begun in here, it's nice to see the sun almost everyday, of course you don't actually feel it, but you do see it! My summer session has started this morning as well and I'm about to get busy…..which is really something that I had been longing for.

The past 10 days where the most boring days I have had in my recorded history, no school, almost everybody I know left home and I'm not lucky with the locals so I cannot rely on the fact that I do know some!

My only entertainment was watching my favorite show 24, and long walks near the sea while listening to nostalgic music and sometimes, reading a book on a bench near by the ocean, just like any 70 years old widowed man!

I'm gradually getting over the cultural shock, not by understanding, but by getting used to the culture. I'm turning cold as well!

People in here, and regardless of the fact that they are super nice, have some sort of paranoia. If a person is being kind and friendly, it can be interpreted by girls as being seeking access to their pants or as being gay by same-gender dudes! They don't say it out loud, but I can feel it, I've felt it many times. I donno if my middle-eastern origins have anything to do with it!

I was told by a friend that people thought I was gay, just because I dress well most of the time. Last week, another group of people thought I was gay cuz I was with a friend of a friend who happened to be gay. So what on earth is wrong with this society? Should it be more open as claimed? More understanding and less judgmental? Do I have to dress as they do in order to be normal? In response to what he told me, I said that according to those people, most of the people in Europe, Syria and Lebanon are gays! Cuz they dress well relatively and in comparison to what people dress in here! Should I look down to gay people and refuse their company if I don't want to be perceived as one of them?

I just moved in to a new place across the street from university, I'm living with two friends, one from Germany and the other is from France. The house is really cool and fully furnished. The only downside is the fact that I have to cook! But we are doing fine so far, my German friend and I are sharing our cooking experiences and the outcome is tasty, so far!

I can't wait till the 21st of June comes; I have booked all my tickets and ready to go. I will be meeting with two Syrian-bloggers in Montreal and Toronto. It should be fun.

Last week, my laptop crashed and went in complete silent, so I had to take it to have it fixed, I still don't know if they can fix it or if I will get my data! I was so pissed off because that may mean losing most of the photos that I had taken in Canada! The good thing is that I felt less guilty to pay a fortune for my new Sony VAIO laptop!

Time to go and use my creativity to make dinner, once again!

"When u love someone"

2006-04-06T22:47:00.000+03:00

When you love someone - you’ll do anything
You’ll do all the crazy things that you can’t explain
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You’ll deny the truth - believe a lie
There’ll be times that you’ll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you’ll feel it deep inside
And nothing else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...

When you love someone - you’ll sacrifice
You’d give it everything you got and you won’t think twice
You’d risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

Unfortunately, Bryan Adams didn’t sing this song last night, although the concert was great, I loved it! He was the singer I always listened to, when I was in love. It felt great to hear my favorite songs coming right out of his mouth, few meters away from me!

The song above, “When you love someone”, is one of the best that can describe love. I find it sad but true! Every time I listen to it, it touches me, it reminds me, it warns me, yet it always puts a smile on me.

Here are some photos I took last night:

Sleepless…once again!

2006-03-27T11:25:00.000+02:00

It’s 5 AM here, I have been in bed for more than 2 hours with no luck to sleep!

The faculty stuff of my university has been on strike for a week now, and things don’t seem to be solved soon! Meanwhile, there is nothing to do, no classes and no study!

I don’t know if the strike and all the free time that I’ve been having recently have made me do lots of thinking, but the usual results of my thinking has been, and for the last few years, getting depressed, a lot!

I’m still not sure where I’m standing nor where I’m going! By the time I finish my studies, I would be 32 years old, when I would be starting a career, that, in case I don’t screw up somewhere along the way!

I wish I was 5 years younger!

I’m about to receive my airline ticket for the summer home visit, I was so excited about it, especially that I will be doing lots of touring before I get home, I will be visiting Montreal, Toronto, New York and Dubai for 5 days in each! But since I’ve had this recent depression, I’ve lost the excitement and now I’m worrying about everything including these tours that I will be having. i.e. where I’ll be staying, how much I’ll be paying, what if this and what if that. I’m ruining the fun even before it starts!

I went yesterday early in the morning for some photographing (my favourite shot). I enjoyed a sunny day near the ocean. Most of the ones that I know here are night people. Can’t get a hold of them for any sort of activities before 5 PM! Later yesterday, I was dragged to a party at somebody’s house, oh, couldn’t stand being there for more than one hour! Weeds and booze and tens of drunken people here and there! At the end of the night, some 18 years old wild girl, of the drinking culture, advised me that I cannot live like that and that I should have a life. Life= smoking, drinking & banging, according to her or at least, this is all what she does! Anyways; I truly don’t seem to have a life or, do I?

What is life anyway? Hmmmm, I think life is a mix of success, love, family, true friends, and good health! I donno…. Those are what make a regular person happy, aren’t they? What is life to you?

I surely have the last 3 ones, had the second, and the first is a long story, but nah, I don’t have it, not yet!

I’ve bought a ticket for Bryan Adams’ concert after a couple of weeks! He is one of my best all time singers.

I should go to bed and give it another shot, as the bowl of M&Ms has finished.

No more "firsts"...so?

2006-03-05T22:38:00.000+02:00

Somebody said “why the first love always takes the big part of our life??Why can’t it be forgettable?”……

It’s just like any other “first” we do in our life that is always remembered by either us or others.

Our first word is remembered by our parents, and so is our first step, we always remember our first best friend, our first day at school, our first date, first time we sat behind a wheel and drove the car, first kiss, first sex, first time we travel, first day at university, first day at work, first pay cheque……

It’s not only love that we never forget our first time of….

Our first love however is extra special because it overwhelms us with new feelings that we never knew existed…it exposes us to a new horizons of intimacy and sentimentality, it teaches us the language of the soul, it shows us how to speak to the heart with the language of the eyes. It’s the first to tell us that we are humans.

Do all these new skills and newly discovered traits fade away after the first love dies, and it will die?

The answer is simply no, but they are no longer “new” to us; they have become an inseparable part of us, the have integrated into us.

Then…….

Why do we feel like shit after our first love is over? Why do we feel that we will never have the same as we did?

Because we refuse the fact that we failed at what we liked most, we refuse the fact that we will have to start all over, we refuse the fact that we were wrong, we refuse the fact that we were betrayed or cheated on, we refuse the fact that we were stupid and easy to manipulate.

Is the partner of our first love the best we will ever have?

No, in fact, if he/she was best for us, we should not have lost them in the first place. But again, they were our first….. They took lots of our firsts; we trusted them on very precious firsts that are no longer firsts and therefore we don’t feel they are as precious as they were; which is totally wrong, they are always precious as long as they are from the heart.

I think it’s more difficult to be in love again, because our emotions have matured and our expectation are higher, because we no longer ignore the signs and pretend they don’t exist just to save the relation.

We will eventually fall in love again, but only when we are ready to, and when we meet the better person for us, we may not feel it the same as we did when we first fell in love, but this does not mean it’s not as strong, if not stronger, however, it’s definitely more mature and grown up and likely to last…… Life goes on… and so we should……

By the way, the one, who I once loved most, my first in love, got engaged last Friday…..

In the memory of a beating heart...

2006-02-28T21:16:00.000+02:00

I thought I no longer need it anymore. I convinced myself that I had lived it through and knew what it was all about. I believed, it was an experience that a one must live.

I was, once again, all wrong!

I was reading through some blogs, I came across a poem that a girl wrote for somebody, I couldn’t stop but read it all, once and twice… I usually don’t read poetry! This time I couldn’t not read it and react to the simple thought of it.

It’s not just an experience that we should live it. It’s a missing part of our life that we need it to be there if we want our life to be complete and meaningful.

We can never know what it is about, it’s a continuing process of life, everyday there is something new even if we don’t see it then. Because when we live it, we take it for granted but when we lose, we think it’s for better…but it’s not! We only feel the importance of it to us, when we stop feeling it, when we have this huge void inside of us that seems unfillable no mater what we do. It’s stupid to think that we no longer need it anymore; we would be fooling ourselves, nobody else.

There is nothing better than to sleep at night knowing that somebody out there is thinking of you, somebody that you love, loves you back. Somebody that you care about is dreaming about you.

In my whole life, I was in love only once. I miss her!

I miss being in love, miss being loved, miss the sacredness of it, miss the fun and the fights in it. Miss the loud beats of the heart; miss the heat of the kiss, the warmth of the hug. I miss having a princess and being a prince myself.

ZZZZ...ZZZZ

2006-02-22T04:22:00.000+02:00

I miss my mom…….

I have been thinking a lot about her recently……. We only know how precious her presence in our life once we are far away from her…. Seize the moment people, if your mom is near you, go give her a big hug….there is nothing feels like it on the face of the world…

I’m overloaded with exams, and losing my concentration over the silliest things!

Life here if fucking boring, the North American definition of fun is getting drunk! Every time I go out with some people, they get drunk in the first 10 minutes of the evening and I end up spending the whole night with them making fools out of themselves and laughing over nothing!!! It happens all the time…..they don’t just hang out, talk and laugh, just the way we do back home. That’s why I tend to enjoy my loneliness a lot more than going out with people here!

Movies, are my best friends, I enjoy taking a walk there and catch a movie once or twice a week….. That doesn’t sound like fun to many people, but for years, I always enjoyed this tradition; going alone to the movies. I used not to mention it to my friends in Damascus, so I could get to go alone….

I so much need to talk to Syrians, or people who have the same background so they can understand what I say, what I feel, and what I mean! Unfortunately, no Syrians around me! I was on the phone with a friend who is doing his PhD in UK, ohhhhhh, it felt so warm and so cool to speak Arabic with a Syrian dude! I’m getting 2 phone calls per week from 2 of my closest friends from Damascus, but they are girls and I do miss the guys' talks and kicks! Hope I’m not turning gay!..... Hmmmm, I don’t think so!

We had a big snow storm 10 days ago…. I took the chance and had a crazy walk inside the storm. It felt like walking in the North Pole. I couldn’t see a thing, just a white wind blowing around me. I donno how I made it back home, but I did, and I enjoyed it!

This evening, I was sitting trying to study and playing with my hair that had really gotten really long! All of a sudden and out of no where, I decided I want to get rid of it…ALL…..so I got my Philishave and zzzzzzzz.....zzzzzzz.....zzzzz, finally, I turned myself into a baldy with not even a single hair over my head…..now I miss my hair!

Addicted!

2006-01-22T06:50:00.000+02:00

I have been out of Damascus for 26 days!

I don’t wanna get sensitive in here and say what I feel, as I have been avoiding blogging cuz I’m in such a bad mood all the time!

However, of all the things that I miss, there is one thing that has really triggered me to blog here at this very moment of despair!

I spent an hour wandering in the streets looking for a place where I can have a fried chicken! NO FUCKING LUCK! I hate KFC, but I was willing to eat there, and it was closed! It’s snowing out there and it’s Saturday night! People around me in the residence are so hammered and most of them are half naked – please don’t ask me why- and yet, I was outside in a hunt for a fried chicken! I miss the luxury we have in Damascus, where we can get the kind of food we want at any time, day or night! I miss the fried chicken there or as we call it “Broasted Chicken”. I was addicted to it.

I tried to google “Friend Chicken near you”…nothing came out except for KFC!

Now what? I’m here alone and hungry and I ended up ordering pizza….FUCK PIZZA! I hate pizza…. I have eaten pizza a million times ever since I left!

Anyways, the pizza guy has arrived and I gotta run down and get my food!

Grrrrrrr…

This is it!

2005-12-20T14:18:00.000+02:00

This is it, 4 years, 3 months and 15 days of work at the Canadian Embassy in Damascus have come to an end. It has been a great experience at all levels, personal and professional. I will miss many people, Rima, Rahaf, Iman, Nariman, Jay and Hala. They were ones of my closest friends who almost became a family to me.

I’m now moving on, going to a new place, where new people, new life and new of everything. I don’t miss the work, but miss the people and of course the pay cheque at the end of every 15 days!

Life goes on………I guess…

For the love of God!

2005-12-05T21:52:00.000+02:00

Can selfishness be isolated from love? Any kind of love, a mother’s, a partner’s, a sibling’s or a friend’s?

Coming to experience it, while I’m packing my stuff and about to switch my whole life and compromising the easy and settled life I have, to start all over with a new challenging and un-guaranteed one, is not the best thing to happen at all!

Everybody around me, especially those closest to me, who love me most, are acting without any consideration to what I really feel. I have to be the one who sucks it in all and act as if I have no feelings. As if they will suffer more than I will, as if they will miss me (the one person) more than I will be missing all of them. They act selfishly, therefore, put extra pressure that I can be grateful not to have at the very right now.

I know they won’t do that if they didn’t love me, but I’m about to explode, the last thing I need is the feel of guilt for making them feeling bad for my coming step!

I wish they know how I feel, I wish they can see through me, to see me shacking from inside, to see the tears rolling on my face every night when I lay down and start thinking of the coming, to see that I love them maybe more than they love me, to see that I will miss them more than they will do, to see that I’m the one who will be alone and they will not, to see that I’m playing Mr. Tough while I’m as weak and freaked out a helpless ant who is about to be crushed by a blind giant foot.

In addition to all what I’m going through mentally and emotionally, I keep getting surprised by how people think or translate the good will in the sick society that I live in!

I tend to be as clear and straight-forward as I can with EVERYBODY. I make sure I say it out in the open, I make sure they understand that when I wanna send a sign of any kind, I will slam it against them, hit them with it, I won’t keep anything that I feel like saying to anybody! Yet, people who claim to be the most open minded are the ones who have the biggest surprise.
How it is my problem if I answer somebody who calls me and asks to see me coz they feel shity and wanna someone to talk to? Should I just refuse coz my good deed maybe misunderstood by the very same person? How is it my problem when I answer somebody who asks for my consulting over buying something! And again, by the very same person!

I hate this society, I hate the hypocrites who are everything but not what they claim to be!
When I like a person, I will say it out loud, when I admire a person, I would say it, when I’m interested in someone, I will make sure they know it clearly. I don’t give signs, even if I do, I do it for minor messages after sending the biggest message in the form of “I like you”, “ I’m interested”, “I admire this and respect that”, "You stink", "Screw you".

Please people, if I didn’t say this to you, do not mistranslate my good deed into any of the above, cuz when I’m being nice, it means I’m being nice, this is it! When I'm being a jerk, it means I'm being a jerk and this is it, NO SIGNS and HIDDEN CLUES!

As if I can take any extra pressure on me now. I just need support as I have never needed before! I survived so many things without any support but now, I do need as much support as I can get. So far, I’m getting none, yet, they expect me to give them my support! Fuck!

Termination

2005-11-17T16:46:00.000+02:00

“Please accept my resignation to be effective on December 17, 2005.”

Those were the words that were to terminate my 4 years and a half of work at the Canadian Embassy in Damascus as an Immigration Program Assistant.

I submitted it today at 12:30 PM and got the approval 10 minutes later.

A month from now and I will be back to be jobless and soon after, will be back to be a student again!

I have very mixed feelings; I was shaking when I wrote the Notice of Resignation. I felt unsure and uncertain whether I was doing the right thing or not. Deep inside, I was excited because I have had enough of this job; I couldn’t get of it any better. I reached the top of it; at least this is what I think.

Being student again means I, no longer, can be as free as I have been. I will be looking for a part-time job to cover my living expenses. I don’t care what kind of work I will get. I never care what people think.

I have been stuck between the desire of moving on and taking a major step and the stability that I have been having for years. Today, I took the first step toward the unknown path of uncertainty. I’m going toward something that very few people encouraged me to, but on the other hand, most if not all of the people, did the opposite.

It’s like gambling, no guarantees of winning or losing, I will only know once I play.

I’m a risk taker, or wanna-be-one. I took this step pushed by a huge amount of adrenaline caused by the great thing that happened to me and ended 10 years of worries; the Military Service. Yes, I paid the exemption fees just yesterday and I’m now as free as I had been longing to. During the past ten years of avoiding this military, I have experienced all methods. I used all the possible and impossible ways. I paid so much money to avoid it. I did, but was always haunted by it, imprisoned by it. Not anymore. It feels great by the way.

Today, I’m feeling happy; however, uncertain if I should be, I’m trying to be positive. But the fear of unknown is a bitch that cannot be beaten, on the short term at least.

I don't know if it's the end or it's the beginning. I wish I could know, I would be more certain and less worried.

I hate my Job

2005-11-07T09:50:00.000+02:00

Having a heart that actually does more than beating and pumping is a blessing!

While mine does more than that, unfortunately, the people's, who I work with, do not! They are basically senseless robots. I used to find that a great advantage in them. But it's not anymore about dedication and separation between work and everything else, it exceeds to be and extreme in a way that we are no humans anymore. We are a bunch of creatures who work by the BOOK and only by the book, even if, in today's case per instance, the book was ok with the whole case. Yet, they go far with their extremes and tend to see and think that all people are like them, material and emotionless, thus, they take decisions based on what/how they see not on what it really is!

I couldn't care less.....but I work for them, and I'm the guy who delivers/implements their decisions!

Shit!

Now, back to work, soldier! :-\

How to screw up a Syrian man in ten days!

2005-10-20T19:55:00.000+02:00

Day one: Be friendly (it shows that you are comfortable in his presence)
Day two: Laugh when he tells a silly joke (it shows that you find him funny not silly)
Day three: Pretend to listen when he talks, do NOT yawn, hold it till he finishes (it shows that you find him interesting, yet, deep)
Day four: Ask him for his phone number or even mailing address (it show extreme interest in getting to know him)
Day five: Call him during the day (it shows that you miss his presence around you)
Day six: Agree when he asks you out within a group (it shows that you love having him around).

Day seven: Ask him for an advice (it shows that you find him a man, yet reliable)
Day eight: Call him late at night (it shows that you have fallen for him)
Day nine: Go out with him, just the two of you (it shows that he is the one for you)
Day ten: Don't call, don't answer, if you feel sorry for the puppy, answer, but be mean. No going outs, being busy all the time, but keep being mean.... et voila..done!

A friend called me and asked to go to the movies because there is a movie called "How to Lose a guy in ten days"....I told her: Rima, you and your Syrian fellows, must consider watching "How to keep a guy for ten days" or maybe "How to find him first" then you watch that movie! So that triggered me to put some words about this issue in a post.

I do find it stupid, the whole concept of dating and marrying here in Syria, I find it so sick. Both genders complain, both pretend to be good whilst the other gender is full of contradiction and complexes. Most of both genders claim many thing but they are nothing but hypocrites!

I'm trying not to take the stand of a man, I'm trying to be as neutral as I can, and no that does not make me gay, in case it popped up in one's mind!

Almost all the people that I know, claim that they do not want to get married through the traditional way, they all wanna go and find that one. They all keep saying so, but at the same time, they act exactly the opposite. They block almost all the possible means of meeting or getting to know new people from outside their circle. If someone from the opposite sex is bold enough to dare and put him/herself inside the circle, bad impressions and thoughts about him/her will be all around their heads. (e.g. why, hmmm, there must be something hidden, I don't trust this person, what does he/she thinks of me to ask for my number or to go to a concert!)

We claim at one point.....that we care about the core of the person, we care not about money and look...well, core my ass....non of us (boys and girls), gives a rat's ass about the core when this person is presented as a possible match....it's all about the look and the money after all. I'm not against that, just think that it's no shame to say what we are looking for out and loud.

A person that I know, knows a person who met a girl, in no time, he loved her and tattooed her name on his bicep! Shortly after, they broke up. He was crying in the street and telling her that he even tattooed her name so how come she was leaving him! While this is nothing but a teenage-style relation, but the fact is, it does widely exist. The misconception of what love is about, is widely spread in our heads. We think we know what does love means, we think we know what marriage is about, and we think we know all about relations and the opposite sex, but the fact is...we know nothing! We grow up in a closed society and at certain level, we managed to have some freedom, we grew without learning about the opposite sex, we grew to see them as monster, the learning age in our society is between 18 up to 40s.... and it's a really dangerous age to learn about relations at. cuz we pay, the opposite sex pays for the learning lessons we have.

I'm just really annoyed to know so many great girls and great boys who haven't found their soul mates just because they don't trust the opposite sex, just because they were fed ideas about how dangerous it could be to break the pattern that their ancestors followed in finding their mates. Yet, they have evolved enough to know that they cannot comply with the same pattern cuz life and concepts are much different now than then. They were put in contradiction made by the society.

There is no clear aim or idea for this post.... just relations related thoughts!

As for the introductory 10 days advices, I wrote them cuz I believe that the lake of experience with the opposite sex makes us vulnerable to be mistreated and misused by the people from the other sex who have more experience in the world of relations, most likely, people who have been mistreated in previous relation when they had no experience!

HE didn’t abandon me!

2005-09-25T22:01:00.000+03:00

I never consider myself a religious person, nor the religious people ever consider me one of them, not even close to be! I 'd always had my own perspective of religion and God.

For so many years, I always felt a special relation between God and myself, even though I’m not a religiously well practicing person! But still, felt this relation and always felt protected and loved by Him.

I used to have him always answering my prays, that are mainly related to me not others, always felt His existence in my life, I used to walk feeling secure, yet, I was free of all the ideologies, materialism and concepts of the nowadays religions.

Recently, I had felt that we have lost this special relation, I felt abandoned, but at the same time, I felt it was my mistake for I had sinned a lot, and still do. I felt lonely and my personal prays were not responded anymore! I asked for many things of which I got nothing!

I didn’t complain, because, for sometime, I thought that a relation of confidence and pure trust in God, from my side, maybe was not enough. I thought that I may have been wrong in all the concepts that I have grown to believe in. I thought that I may should be like all those people who put their brains aside and give in themselves to concepts and ideas of a fearful relationship with God, a relation filled with taboos that nobody can tell why they are so, all what they can say is “we were told so!” A relation that is full of contradictions, whereas on one hand, we read God’s words insisting on us to work hard and to use nothing but our brains in judgments and in all the aspects of our life, but on the other hand, we only use our eyes to read some books that have human’s explanations and views of what they thought\think was the religion is about. These books and those people are almost given the same sacredness and holiness as God’s. No, they are now even stronger than God; people neglected God’s words and followed those people’s words.

For a while I started to think that I was wrong and those people were right! Life could be a mixture of taboos, orders and social habits in the form of religious practices and commands. However, I hadn’t been able to switch and become one of them. I was lost and confused!

Today, something happened to me and may proceed to be something that I had been asking God for. It’s LITERALY the way I asked for! It could have happened in many other ways, but it simply went in the exact way I had been asking God to grant for me. I feel overwhelmed, but at the same time, embarrassed for not keeping the faith in the relation between God and myself. I was not wrong, I was never abandoned. God do love us unconditionally, at least, this is how I feel relieved to believe in, so far, this is what life has been proving to me!

Thank you God!

Man on Fire!

2005-09-12T23:47:00.000+03:00

I just came back from a 6 days trip; I visited Aleppo and Idleb, and then went for 3 days to a lovely beach outside Tartous called “Al-Rimal Al-Zahabieh”.

It was a well spent vacation; I had never been to any of these two cities.

Idleb is so small and calm, windy though. There is almost nothing to do there. NOTHING! People are nice however.

Aleppo on the other hand, is so alive, I didn’t like the restaurants there, but surely loved the streets and the buildings.

After Aleppo, we hit the road heading to Tartous, we took the long road through Al-Ghab valley, passing by many villages.

We reached the sea shore after 3 hours! Gosh I so badly wanted to swim, was late when we got there, so we just cleaned the chalet and went for dinner. Later on that night, we went to a new place opened on the beach called “La Plage” which is a branch of the famous “Gemini Group” restaurants, owned by one of the bigwigs in Syria!

At that night, I lost my virginity towards smoking and had my first Argileh ever. They say that first time can never be forgotten. Well, I didn’t like it, even though I had it every night while I was there but it was tasteless and gave me nothing. Maybe with the absence of me loving it, it gets more like a physical action that consist of sucking and nibbling the plastic end, then blowing the smoke out in the air. Kept doing it till as late as 4 AM. I wasn’t tired at all ;)

Next morning, I was up early, since I’m a morning person. Couldn’t wait any longer; so I was in the water few minutes after. The water was great, the best swim in my life. I never spent time in the water as I did that day; I spent most of the day between the beach and the water. The evening went on as the day before.

The next morning was a different story! I woke up to see a red-as-tomato body! I was severely sun-burnt. I was on fire. My vacation was officially ruined! I used some ointment that was supposed to heal me; it was as useless as it can be.

The night was a nightmare, I hardly stayed outside for a while then inside with the AC turned on and set to -500. Of course, no clothes were to touch my red body!

The day after was again, blank, no water, I hardly managed to have a walk on the beach early in the morning. No swimming at all however!

I have no clue what the hell I was supposed to do! I see people on the beach all day long but they are there everyday, not just one day! I used a sun oil just like the one I saw them using! So why did that happen to me! I hardly take any vacation!

I checked with a friend doctor, I was told that I have second degree burns and he prescribed me a whole bunch of medications :(

Having said all that, I have no regrets, I really enjoyed this vacation, I still have a weirdly colored body but what the hell….

The alpha and omega, I had some really good time over the past week, away from everything and everybody that I know.

It feels great to be away where there is a sea close to you!

28

2005-09-04T23:59:00.000+03:00

I almost liked all the numbers up till 27..... but this one, donno, hated it!

I feel like really old, grown up! As if the whole 28 years I have lived already were in the last year only!

Theorically, I have lived half my life already! I'm in good health, have all my beloved family around me except for my father. There is nothing to complain about!

Then, why I'm feeling like a shit (donno if shit can actually feels but it's just an expression.) I feel I have done nothing for myself!

Study: still struggling to get admission at some well-reputed university in Canada, trying to convince them that it's so different here in Damascus, we study to pass not to learn, we enrol to avoid military service not to improve ourselves, so far, no success!

Work: No career has been launched yet! No clue of what I wanna do nor how to.

Friends: I have a lot, however, the close ones, or thought-to-be-close, are gone or turned out not to be as thought to be!...with exceptions for sure.

Love: Failure, no success! Met lovely people, but no sudden sparks. I guess, at my age, no more sparks, no more first-sight thingy, no more liking someone by watching how they walk, eat, talk, laugh, kiss, hug, cry and touch! It's now about how they think and no need to tell how hard it's to get to know that and the hidden surprises along the way!

Oh, I miss the simplicity of it.

Health & fitness: I wear glasses, have 9 extra kilos of weight, haven't been to the gym since March (when I severely twisted my ankle at work). But I guess I'm fine, it could be worse...... I must not grumble!

Last year's birthday, I celebrated in Der Ezzor, it was a surprise party at Cham Hotel there. ( You gotta see the singer, wow, been in that region for few days, she was like a drop of water in the throat of a person who is dying of thirst. Hehe)

This year, I went out with my bloggers friends the day before. I went with this new (weirdo) girl that I'm currently dating (!!), then went with some friends to Bloudan, then with my family! and today with my friends at work! Gosh, all this to remind me of the infamous 28 :(

No wishes for the new year, stopped being silly and make wishes! there is no such a thing! It's a drug to numb and make things easier!

Hope, it's a different story, I do have hope! it's the food of my soul. My hope, however, is to be able to hold, stay still, never let go, do not collapse, keep my words and promises, retain my honesty and straight-forwardness.

By the way, Honesty and straight-forwardness in our society do not get you laid, but they make you feel really good and self-satisfied, maybe better than what sex makes you feel....to a certain extent, I must say :D

The bold & the beautiful's cell!

2005-08-24T02:16:00.000+03:00

I have the urge to sleep, but just don’t feel like closing my eyes! I’m willing to do whatever it takes just to know what’s wrong with me! I’m doing almost everything and yet, always having this feeling of boredom and the desire of something that I have no idea what the hell it is!

My world is changing, our world. Or maybe it’s the age thing! I’m starting a new year in few days and feel like I have lived twice my age in term of everything but achievements!

Hell….

Today, at around 10 PM, I was going to my best friend’s place. The moment I left the building, I saw this girl, she was just perfect, and don’t get me started on the bonnet she was wearing or the mini-skirt or how she looked in general……anyways, she was really attractive, and worth noticing…. Yet, she was standing outside our building and she looked as if she’s been crying! I got curious….and to be honest, interested!
I walked towards here and asked if everything was ok. She yelled at me and asked me to fuck off…..(hmmm, pretty nasty ha?). I repeated my question and she started crying….To tell you the truth, I didn’t look good….I mean, standing at 10 PM with a crying girl who was provocatively dressed!
Anyway, I’m a stubborn dude ….Eventually, she told me that she had lost he cell phone……I said “fuck”…all this drama for a freaking cell phone! I thought she lost her family in a plane crush! She said that her mom would kill her is she went home without it. I did my best to talk her into seeing how silly this was! Her voice went louder! I asked her how she lost it, she said that she had forgotten it at some nearby store and most likely the guy there took it….. I asked her to come with me and we went to the store where she used my cell to call hers….it was off!

The guy denied any knowledge of such a cell…….we walked away and she was really crazy, furious and scared to death! I asked her to wait and went back to the store…..

I walked in and tried to wear a serious face…..and told the guy that I knew he had the cell but I would want to solve it without any troubles…..I guess I sounded serious enough…..so he confessed and told me his side of the story.

She came with her few years old sister, and were asking about the prices of some goods, they bought nothing and left shortly, once they walked away, he noticed a missing big chocolate bar (worth 200 pounds)….He talked to his neighbor who said that he’d seen a hottie and a little girl who were carrying it outside…. The guy cursed and turned back to his store to find a cell phone put aside….She had forgotten her cell phone in there, Allah kbeeer (God is Almighty) he said, she stole but forgot her stuff…

Shortly later, she came back, he confronted her, she denied and so he told her that he won’t give her the phone until her parents come and take it…….Then she walked away, the guy said….

Ok, I was surprised to hear this story! But donno…believed this guy….. I pretended to be the hottie’s neighbor and told him that I will deal with it, and that he could call the police if he wanted but to steal something from her…..it didn’t make him any better…..few minutes of persuasive talk from my side (e.g. I peg you, please sir, you can have my cell, you can have me, you can have me and my younger brother, I can be your bitch :D ), he handed me the cell…..

I headed back to our building where she was waiting for me…..gosh from a far she looked perfect! I gave her the cell, kinda told her how shameful it was what she and he sister had done and asked her to fuck off… (The revenge)

I would not believe it if anybody told me that this expensively dressed girl would steal! Gosh….this is a big problem in life…..we can never tell from the appearance! Appearances can deceive anybody and everybody…. I have been deceived a lot by people who looked angel-like….. every time, I say…”well, Ihsan, you learnt a good lesson…..and from now on, you would be able to judge better….” That does not seem to work!

The moral of the story is:

“When u see such a hotie who tells you that she has lost her cell, dont be a smart-ass and investigate, just tell her that you are buying her a new one! so you may live with her happily ever after ;) ”

Sleepless in Damascus…

2005-08-14T01:59:00.000+03:00

It’s not yet very late, but today, and for a change, I decided to hit the bed early, so tomorrow I woke up awake not as half asleep as usual! I’ve been in bed for more than an hour! No luck….. I got all sorts of thoughts, I thought about my life, my work, and my friends! I even thought of who invented the wheels! It's weird to have such a though! I think it was the Sumerians…but not sure, actually this is why I came online now….to check this info!

I donno…..I think I’m too far from falling asleep!... I tried to read the book I had been trying to finish recently “The enigma of Ishtar”….. But didn’t feel like reading about mythologies…..

Tomorrow, I’m meeting my new boss at work. This is one of the mixed advantage/disadvantage thingy of my job. I get to work with many bosses.
The one, who just left Syria, Sharon, was one of the best ones I have had. I learnt a lot from her, she was tough and cool! But they always have to leave….oh women… wait, that saying does no fit in here! Anyways, I hope the new one will be good and working with her will be fun! AMEN!

I’m listening to an orphan CD that I have for Richard Clyderman….. Piano and guitar are my favorite instruments. I regret not learning playing them!

I’m still waiting to get admission at university! I hate waiting when it’s about a life-level step! I just need to know what I’m doing next! I wanna get out of town! I have been here all of my life but it’s time to get the hell out. I love Damascus, but maybe this is one of the reasons I should leave her….. It really hurts seeing this country goes down! People cheer the government and are full of hope….. Well, I don’t… I only see stupid and random internal and external policies; I only see increasing corruptions wherever I go…. I only see the wrong people at the wrong places…. Yet, people are waiting for a miracle! Miracles my ass!

I have a dream of establishing (in 10 years from now) my own Travel Company that will promote Syria the right way…. I have dealt with many travel agencies in Damascus, and was never satisfied…. I wanna do it right…. When people wanna visit Syria, or even if Syrians, wanna visit around, I want them to know where exactly to go, what exactly to expect! I wanna have mobile facilities to accompany groups’ buses to isolated archaeological sites (e.g. Mari Kingdom), so tourists won’t have to worry on where to piss!
I dream of making promotional commercials about Syria just like the ones that all other countries, which have tourism industry, broadcast on CNN, BBC and MBC!

Donno if one day I will have all this done…..I may…or may not….I may just be married to a fat lady and trying to feed some 6 kids that I only got cuz I had no money to buy condoms!

I feel like eating something…..or maybe drinking something….. I donno….maybe I’d better give it another try and see if I can fall asleep!

By the way, The first wheel, or lets say the oldest, was seen in a Sumerian's pictograph dated about 3500 BC as per Encyclopaedia Britannica!

Nighty!

Masturbation in the eye of Science; says the Imam!

2005-08-13T02:04:00.000+03:00

It’s Friday, or actually was, I went, just like another 4 million males, to the Friday prayer! I went to a nearby mosque! Hmmm, it’s interesting that we could still see all these gatherings these days!

The Imam took his place and decided that he was going to talk about the sin of all sins…MASTURBATION!

He mentioned how cursed and doomed are those who masturbate, and how angry God is when they masturbate…Then, he started mentioning the horrific effects that this action has on the masturbators. Of course, he started all his sentences with phrases like: “Scientists and doctors agreed on….” or "Science proves that.." I even asked the men who was next to me if I was at a mosque or a university lecture!

The Imam went on and on, quoting scientists and doctors from all over the world on how masturbation is the second in danger after AIDS on the youth of this nation!

The good thing is that he did not link it to Israel and the evil forces that are fighting Islam everyday!

I will list some of the precious quotes the Doctor Imam mentioned to hundreds of young men whose sole guilt was attending this weekly ritual!

It socially isolates the masturbators
It freezes their brains thus, they start doing bad at work and in study.
It makes them shaky all the time.
It causes permanent forgetfulness.
It causes short sighting!
It causes erection problems during sex after marriage (of course, it’s a mosque so all sex must be under the holy contract).
It causes lack of semen during ejaculation (in case the man was lucky to get an erection - see above line).
It causes some sexual diseases that will prevent men from performing sex (after marriage)
Above 3 will make the man not a man, or a hopeless husband who cannot sexually satisfy his wife, who will seek sexual pleasure with other men! To sum it up: Masturbation = Cheating.

Of course, as I said earlier, all above were preceded with “Doctors and scientists have agreed on and proved that……”

I looked at the young men there; they were all as white as dead! They were hypnotized by the shock; they were indicted guilty of the sin of all sins….. They will all have cheating wives; they will not be able to have sex anymore! They are doomed!

I wanted to stand and ask this Imam to shut up! He has full rights to say things that he believes in or maybe stick them to the religion, but to use science to score and make his bullshit credible! It’s outrageous!

Now, let’s move to the “Imam’s Ten advices” on how not to be a masturbator:

Always fear God
Always be praying and asking God for help
Keep yourself busy in narrating Quran or praising God
Do not look at women
Do not go to places where you would be provoked to think of your desires (yup do that in Damascus).
Do not watch TV as it’s evil
Do not read novels and books that are not religion related.
Do not listen to music
Do not talk to women while looking at them (if you have to talk)
Get married.

I may add another 5:

Move out and find a tent in the desert
Do not go out of the tent
Find a place of work (if you have to leave the tent) where no women and female dogs are allowed to be in or within 15 kilometers radius of the premises.
Try to have the piece of the brain, that God created it and made responsible on generating the desires and the lust we feel, removed.

If none of the above worked:

5. Cut it off and feed it to the dogs (The most efficient of all).

Poor men, those who attended this scientific and religious speech, who most likely won’t bother to verify what they heard and at the same time, they will keep masturbating, however, with much greater feeling of guilt! Nobody will stop, cuz they can’t…..if they could, they would not have needed to do it in the first place!

I feel sorry for these guys who walked to the mosque to hear advices on how to educate themselves and become better humans and Moslems, instead, they learnt that the most personal, private, pleasurable and physically harmless action they do in their life, is a fatal sin that God punishes on, before and after death!

A Close Encounter!

2005-08-09T18:22:00.000+03:00

I’ve been, while sitting in my room staring at everything around me, thinking, will I, or people of my age, live to witness or meet creatures from outside the galaxy? I mean, when I was a kid who enjoyed ET in the early 80s, I thought that by the time I get older, there would be new discoveries in that domain! I thought that things would be different than it was back then…. A lot of years have passed by; ET, still is a movie character only, no friendly or vicious aliens, no UFOs, except the ones in Grendizer. I have lived half of my life (statistically speaking of course)…. Yet, things are the same! I wonder if things will change in the second half of my age? Will I shake a hand, kiss, slap, shoot, fight or chase an alien before I die?

Will I ever get a “Closer Encounter” than this one? …..I’m just thinking with a loud voice…..cuz I’m fucking bored, cannot nap, home alone and cannot go anywhere as I have a friend’s wedding this evening! huffffffffffffffffff!

:-\

The Fantastic Four.....

2005-08-01T23:51:00.000+03:00

Today, is my fourth anniversary at my current job! wow...4 years have passed already....I feel like it's been for ever!

It should have been less in half. If I wasn't stupid, I should have done something long ago! When I say something, I mean, a step, a decision or a plan! I have been saying that this is a transitional job, and it is! Then, how come I have spent 4 years at a temporary work that is not a career!?? What a loser!

I'm not nagging, I have a very well-reputed job with a pay that nobody of my age could dream of, still, that should have not numbed me at all! I used to be a very ambitious lad, not sure if I still am! Cannot tell before I move to the next step!

Those 4 years have been one of my most valuable lessons in life, yet to have. They were so full of ups and downs, happiness and sadness! I had a good start, then it got even better, before I let my 2 years notorious relation with my x girlfriend dominate my life turning me into a slave. It dominated everything in my life including my professional performance. I went down, emotionally, physically, psychologically and professionally. It was only then when I discovered how sickly winning weak I was!

I got the worst annual appraisal at work that a human being can get due to that matter and the obvious implications it had reflected on my life. I was this close to lose my job! But they say that after rain always comes a rainbow! In my case....no rainbows or happy Indian movies endings, but I finally woke up and learnt the lesson. Ever since, I have changed my perspectives of many things, starting with love and ending with relations. I have been seeing things from a different angle. Life could be a lot better if we see it as it is not as we want to. The rainbow in my story is not a strip of colours, nor having thought-to-be-valuable things back! Nor taking revenge of anybody, as we think its what would make us feel better when we are into the deep shit, my rainbow, however, was me getting back to the old me that I miss. It's innovating the old me to protect him from getting into the trap again!

I won't act childishly, as many people do after a screw up relationship, and say that I hate love nor or there is no love..bla bla.... On the contrary, I have developed a better concept of love, purer but more clearer and more mature! I blame nobody for the previous relation but myself!

The alpha and omega is that love does strongly exist, however, having your feet swept away, or having your heart beating so hard that it would pop up out of your chest, or being unable to breath (not due to smocking problems), DO NOT mean that you are in love! Love is being loved in return, love is respect, love is honesty, love is understanding and completion of each other, love is the harmony between heart and mind. Finally, love is a lesson, could be an excruciating one, or it could be the sweetest lesson of your life. The positive thinking would be that no matter what kind of lessons it is, lessons are meant to teach us something!

Finally, I came to believe that we should go to work to work, and work only, not to socialize. It's wrong to mix between the two. Relations at the work place are built on rivalry, competitiveness and mutual interests, thus, no healthy base to build up a friendship/love relations. Maybe a casual relation with people that you see everyday, hang out with, go to dinners and parties with, but that should be it.

Few days ago, I got my new appraisal, it's the best appraisal I have ever had. I feel great, I'm feeling that I'm coming back to surface again! The reason for this feeling is the thought that I'm getting better and stronger. The thought that I may be meeting the new/old me soon :)....it's alive!

Happy anniversary me!

All, or just him and his gang?

2005-07-31T10:45:00.000+03:00

Gosh, I'm known to be a person who talks a lot! Never shuts up!.....

I have been into a discussion with a sophisticated Iraqi guy, who does not believe in the existence of God, and believes that religions are hoaxes! Man, I got nothing else to say...I ran out of words! we both seem to be going in a circle!

The topic of discussion is "Noah's ark"...He is arguing that the story is originated from a Sumerian Myth and it was then copied into the Torah and later on, the Quran! However, Myth is not a true story but more of a simple human explanation of existence with no real background!....while I define myth as a simple human explanation of a natural phenomenon that occurred in the past where no science existed!

He's working on proving, theorically, that Quran is summering the Torah story. His approach is built on this argument. Why? cuz the Torah story tells of a huge flood that wiped the whole earth! Scientifically, this is wrong! My approach is that the Quran version of this story does not indicate the whole earth thing. It simply tells of a flood that drowned the Folks of Noah regardless of other humans that could be living somewhere else! This, does not contradict any scientific discovery in regard to this great flood that occurred likely in 4000 BC!

A misconception, I have sensed during discussing this story with Moslems and Christians, is that they believe the Torah story about drowning the whole EARTH! They also think that he took on board a couple of ALL animals as an indication of the massiveness of this flood! My argument here is that he took animals with him in order to insure his survival after the flood....not the survival of their species! He would need milk and meat as well as to grow corpses, so they can feed!

Which one has more sense? SENSE is my background, nothing more!

We have been discussing it for like a couple of weeks! Non of us seem to withdraw their point of view....for one simple reason! Non of what we say can be proved! It's all theories! and most important, it's all up to what we believe in and how we believe in it!

Grrrrrr

Phew....1 hour only!

2005-07-30T16:23:00.000+03:00

Boy, it’s freakin hot here in Damascus! I went to the old section to take some photos, I had the company of a Canadian lady who’s staying in Syria for few weeks!

We went to the Umayyad mosque; it was so crowded and full of Iranians doing their rituals at the shrine of Al-Hussain.

We had to cancel the tour early cuz she didn’t feel ok, so we stayed at Al-Nafoora coffee place….where I had the worst tea I EVER had! Yuck! I should have stuck to the water….

Anyways, I wanted to write a post about yesterday’s Friday prayer……but keep not getting a chance! I have just finished the look of this blog! (Like it?)…

I’m hungry and should get some sleep, even though I do not nap usually, but I’m going to this party with some people at 10 PM at Sednaya! Yeah, it’s crazy, especially that I have to be at work tomorrow at 8:00 AM! So let’s see how the party goes!

P.S. I only know 3 persons at this party…out of a million! But what the heck!

I got some photos to post, will do that as soon as I get the chance!

Eh sa7i, teh title of this post has nothing to do with it!!.....I'm just posting after I finished working on this blog that took me a whole hour!

The Meet Up.....

2005-07-29T23:54:00.000+03:00

Yesterday, I got to meet with a bunch of Syrian bloggers, the elite in this sort of activities… I had thought a lot before I decided to go…. I was the newest and hadn’t met anyone of them before, except for Ayman of The Damascene Blog, who I had met twice in a course at the British Council some 9 years ago!

There were 10 of them (11 including me)…. They are all nice, even though I didn’t get the chance to know much of them, ya3nee, the first impression was ok, all were young, English speakers (since all of them have English blogs), educated and somehow…cool!

I really didn’t get the chance to know enough but a few of them really got me interested to know more about….. To name them (and I should not, but what the hell!)… let’s see, There is (random order ;) Ghalia, Yazan, Amr, Sara and Ayman……I donno…. It’s what I felt! I could be wrong! The others are, as said before, nice, but didn’t get the same impression! Oh wait, there is Zena, she is very shy and extra nice. Her shyness, however, made her silent most of the time. As for the rest, maybe they were too silent and too calm or sat far from me so we couldn't talk at all! Anyway, days are still to come and I will update my impression accordingly ;)

They are all Damascene except for Yazan, who is from Lattakia and came to attend the meet up (cool ha?) I don’t think I would go to a meet up if it was held in Homs! But I guess it’s the age! Since I think I was the oldest among them!! Eh :-

The meet up took place at Laila's…… I had to leave early cuz I had to be somewhere else for dinner and stuff…., not with bloggers this time ;)

Nighty!

Why this?

2005-07-29T00:22:00.000+03:00

Simply, to post things that do not fit in my other
blog!

This one is more of a personal nature!

Ya latif!