Sunday, September 25, 2005

HE didn’t abandon me!

I never consider myself a religious person, nor the religious people ever consider me one of them, not even close to be! I 'd always had my own perspective of religion and God.

For so many years, I always felt a special relation between God and myself, even though I’m not a religiously well practicing person! But still, felt this relation and always felt protected and loved by Him.

I used to have him always answering my prays, that are mainly related to me not others, always felt His existence in my life, I used to walk feeling secure, yet, I was free of all the ideologies, materialism and concepts of the nowadays religions.

Recently, I had felt that we have lost this special relation, I felt abandoned, but at the same time, I felt it was my mistake for I had sinned a lot, and still do. I felt lonely and my personal prays were not responded anymore! I asked for many things of which I got nothing!

I didn’t complain, because, for sometime, I thought that a relation of confidence and pure trust in God, from my side, maybe was not enough. I thought that I may have been wrong in all the concepts that I have grown to believe in. I thought that I may should be like all those people who put their brains aside and give in themselves to concepts and ideas of a fearful relationship with God, a relation filled with taboos that nobody can tell why they are so, all what they can say is “we were told so!” A relation that is full of contradictions, whereas on one hand, we read God’s words insisting on us to work hard and to use nothing but our brains in judgments and in all the aspects of our life, but on the other hand, we only use our eyes to read some books that have human’s explanations and views of what they thought\think was the religion is about. These books and those people are almost given the same sacredness and holiness as God’s. No, they are now even stronger than God; people neglected God’s words and followed those people’s words.

For a while I started to think that I was wrong and those people were right! Life could be a mixture of taboos, orders and social habits in the form of religious practices and commands. However, I hadn’t been able to switch and become one of them. I was lost and confused!

Today, something happened to me and may proceed to be something that I had been asking God for. It’s LITERALY the way I asked for! It could have happened in many other ways, but it simply went in the exact way I had been asking God to grant for me. I feel overwhelmed, but at the same time, embarrassed for not keeping the faith in the relation between God and myself. I was not wrong, I was never abandoned. God do love us unconditionally, at least, this is how I feel relieved to believe in, so far, this is what life has been proving to me!

Thank you God!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Man on Fire!

I just came back from a 6 days trip; I visited Aleppo and Idleb, and then went for 3 days to a lovely beach outside Tartous called “Al-Rimal Al-Zahabieh”.

It was a well spent vacation; I had never been to any of these two cities.

Idleb is so small and calm, windy though. There is almost nothing to do there. NOTHING! People are nice however.

Aleppo on the other hand, is so alive, I didn’t like the restaurants there, but surely loved the streets and the buildings.

After Aleppo, we hit the road heading to Tartous, we took the long road through Al-Ghab valley, passing by many villages.

We reached the sea shore after 3 hours! Gosh I so badly wanted to swim, was late when we got there, so we just cleaned the chalet and went for dinner. Later on that night, we went to a new place opened on the beach called “La Plage” which is a branch of the famous “Gemini Group” restaurants, owned by one of the bigwigs in Syria!

At that night, I lost my virginity towards smoking and had my first Argileh ever. They say that first time can never be forgotten. Well, I didn’t like it, even though I had it every night while I was there but it was tasteless and gave me nothing. Maybe with the absence of me loving it, it gets more like a physical action that consist of sucking and nibbling the plastic end, then blowing the smoke out in the air. Kept doing it till as late as 4 AM. I wasn’t tired at all ;)

Next morning, I was up early, since I’m a morning person. Couldn’t wait any longer; so I was in the water few minutes after. The water was great, the best swim in my life. I never spent time in the water as I did that day; I spent most of the day between the beach and the water. The evening went on as the day before.

The next morning was a different story! I woke up to see a red-as-tomato body! I was severely sun-burnt. I was on fire. My vacation was officially ruined! I used some ointment that was supposed to heal me; it was as useless as it can be.

The night was a nightmare, I hardly stayed outside for a while then inside with the AC turned on and set to -500. Of course, no clothes were to touch my red body!

The day after was again, blank, no water, I hardly managed to have a walk on the beach early in the morning. No swimming at all however!

I have no clue what the hell I was supposed to do! I see people on the beach all day long but they are there everyday, not just one day! I used a sun oil just like the one I saw them using! So why did that happen to me! I hardly take any vacation!

I checked with a friend doctor, I was told that I have second degree burns and he prescribed me a whole bunch of medications :(

Having said all that, I have no regrets, I really enjoyed this vacation, I still have a weirdly colored body but what the hell….

The alpha and omega, I had some really good time over the past week, away from everything and everybody that I know.

It feels great to be away where there is a sea close to you!

Sunday, September 04, 2005


I almost liked all the numbers up till 27..... but this one, donno, hated it!

I feel like really old, grown up! As if the whole 28 years I have lived already were in the last year only!

Theorically, I have lived half my life already! I'm in good health, have all my beloved family around me except for my father. There is nothing to complain about!

Then, why I'm feeling like a shit (donno if shit can actually feels but it's just an expression.) I feel I have done nothing for myself!

Study: still struggling to get admission at some well-reputed university in Canada, trying to convince them that it's so different here in Damascus, we study to pass not to learn, we enrol to avoid military service not to improve ourselves, so far, no success!

Work: No career has been launched yet! No clue of what I wanna do nor how to.

Friends: I have a lot, however, the close ones, or thought-to-be-close, are gone or turned out not to be as thought to be!...with exceptions for sure.

Love: Failure, no success! Met lovely people, but no sudden sparks. I guess, at my age, no more sparks, no more first-sight thingy, no more liking someone by watching how they walk, eat, talk, laugh, kiss, hug, cry and touch! It's now about how they think and no need to tell how hard it's to get to know that and the hidden surprises along the way!

Oh, I miss the simplicity of it.

Health & fitness: I wear glasses, have 9 extra kilos of weight, haven't been to the gym since March (when I severely twisted my ankle at work). But I guess I'm fine, it could be worse...... I must not grumble!

Last year's birthday, I celebrated in Der Ezzor, it was a surprise party at Cham Hotel there. ( You gotta see the singer, wow, been in that region for few days, she was like a drop of water in the throat of a person who is dying of thirst. Hehe)

This year, I went out with my bloggers friends the day before. I went with this new (weirdo) girl that I'm currently dating (!!), then went with some friends to Bloudan, then with my family! and today with my friends at work! Gosh, all this to remind me of the infamous 28 :(

No wishes for the new year, stopped being silly and make wishes! there is no such a thing! It's a drug to numb and make things easier!

Hope, it's a different story, I do have hope! it's the food of my soul. My hope, however, is to be able to hold, stay still, never let go, do not collapse, keep my words and promises, retain my honesty and straight-forwardness.

By the way, Honesty and straight-forwardness in our society do not get you laid, but they make you feel really good and self-satisfied, maybe better than what sex makes you a certain extent, I must say :D