Monday, March 27, 2006

Sleepless…once again!

It’s 5 AM here, I have been in bed for more than 2 hours with no luck to sleep!

The faculty stuff of my university has been on strike for a week now, and things don’t seem to be solved soon! Meanwhile, there is nothing to do, no classes and no study!

I don’t know if the strike and all the free time that I’ve been having recently have made me do lots of thinking, but the usual results of my thinking has been, and for the last few years, getting depressed, a lot!

I’m still not sure where I’m standing nor where I’m going! By the time I finish my studies, I would be 32 years old, when I would be starting a career, that, in case I don’t screw up somewhere along the way!

I wish I was 5 years younger!

I’m about to receive my airline ticket for the summer home visit, I was so excited about it, especially that I will be doing lots of touring before I get home, I will be visiting Montreal, Toronto, New York and Dubai for 5 days in each! But since I’ve had this recent depression, I’ve lost the excitement and now I’m worrying about everything including these tours that I will be having. i.e. where I’ll be staying, how much I’ll be paying, what if this and what if that. I’m ruining the fun even before it starts!

I went yesterday early in the morning for some photographing (my favourite shot). I enjoyed a sunny day near the ocean. Most of the ones that I know here are night people. Can’t get a hold of them for any sort of activities before 5 PM! Later yesterday, I was dragged to a party at somebody’s house, oh, couldn’t stand being there for more than one hour! Weeds and booze and tens of drunken people here and there! At the end of the night, some 18 years old wild girl, of the drinking culture, advised me that I cannot live like that and that I should have a life. Life= smoking, drinking & banging, according to her or at least, this is all what she does! Anyways; I truly don’t seem to have a life or, do I?

What is life anyway? Hmmmm, I think life is a mix of success, love, family, true friends, and good health! I donno…. Those are what make a regular person happy, aren’t they? What is life to you?

I surely have the last 3 ones, had the second, and the first is a long story, but nah, I don’t have it, not yet!

I’ve bought a ticket for Bryan Adams’ concert after a couple of weeks! He is one of my best all time singers.

I should go to bed and give it another shot, as the bowl of M&Ms has finished.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

No more "firsts"

Somebody said “why the first love always takes the big part of our life??Why can’t it be forgettable?”……

It’s just like any other “first” we do in our life that is always remembered by either us or others.

Our first word is remembered by our parents, and so is our first step, we always remember our first best friend, our first day at school, our first date, first time we sat behind a wheel and drove the car, first kiss, first sex, first time we travel, first day at university, first day at work, first pay cheque……

It’s not only love that we never forget our first time of….

Our first love however is extra special because it overwhelms us with new feelings that we never knew existed…it exposes us to a new horizons of intimacy and sentimentality, it teaches us the language of the soul, it shows us how to speak to the heart with the language of the eyes. It’s the first to tell us that we are humans.

Do all these new skills and newly discovered traits fade away after the first love dies, and it will die?

The answer is simply no, but they are no longer “new” to us; they have become an inseparable part of us, the have integrated into us.


Why do we feel like shit after our first love is over? Why do we feel that we will never have the same as we did?

Because we refuse the fact that we failed at what we liked most, we refuse the fact that we will have to start all over, we refuse the fact that we were wrong, we refuse the fact that we were betrayed or cheated on, we refuse the fact that we were stupid and easy to manipulate.

Is the partner of our first love the best we will ever have?

No, in fact, if he/she was best for us, we should not have lost them in the first place. But again, they were our first….. They took lots of our firsts; we trusted them on very precious firsts that are no longer firsts and therefore we don’t feel they are as precious as they were; which is totally wrong, they are always precious as long as they are from the heart.

I think it’s more difficult to be in love again, because our emotions have matured and our expectation are higher, because we no longer ignore the signs and pretend they don’t exist just to save the relation.

We will eventually fall in love again, but only when we are ready to, and when we meet the better person for us, we may not feel it the same as we did when we first fell in love, but this does not mean it’s not as strong, if not stronger, however, it’s definitely more mature and grown up and likely to last…… Life goes on… and so we should……

By the way, the one, who I once loved most, my first in love, got engaged last Friday…..