Saturday, August 13, 2005

Masturbation in the eye of Science; says the Imam!

It’s Friday, or actually was, I went, just like another 4 million males, to the Friday prayer! I went to a nearby mosque! Hmmm, it’s interesting that we could still see all these gatherings these days!

The Imam took his place and decided that he was going to talk about the sin of all sins…MASTURBATION!

He mentioned how cursed and doomed are those who masturbate, and how angry God is when they masturbate…Then, he started mentioning the horrific effects that this action has on the masturbators. Of course, he started all his sentences with phrases like: “Scientists and doctors agreed on….” or "Science proves that.." I even asked the men who was next to me if I was at a mosque or a university lecture!

The Imam went on and on, quoting scientists and doctors from all over the world on how masturbation is the second in danger after AIDS on the youth of this nation!

The good thing is that he did not link it to Israel and the evil forces that are fighting Islam everyday!

I will list some of the precious quotes the Doctor Imam mentioned to hundreds of young men whose sole guilt was attending this weekly ritual!

  • It socially isolates the masturbators
  • It freezes their brains thus, they start doing bad at work and in study.
  • It makes them shaky all the time.
  • It causes permanent forgetfulness.
  • It causes short sighting!
  • It causes erection problems during sex after marriage (of course, it’s a mosque so all sex must be under the holy contract).
  • It causes lack of semen during ejaculation (in case the man was lucky to get an erection - see above line).
  • It causes some sexual diseases that will prevent men from performing sex (after marriage)
  • Above 3 will make the man not a man, or a hopeless husband who cannot sexually satisfy his wife, who will seek sexual pleasure with other men! To sum it up: Masturbation = Cheating.


Of course, as I said earlier, all above were preceded with “Doctors and scientists have agreed on and proved that……”

I looked at the young men there; they were all as white as dead! They were hypnotized by the shock; they were indicted guilty of the sin of all sins….. They will all have cheating wives; they will not be able to have sex anymore! They are doomed!

I wanted to stand and ask this Imam to shut up! He has full rights to say things that he believes in or maybe stick them to the religion, but to use science to score and make his bullshit credible! It’s outrageous!

Now, let’s move to the “Imam’s Ten advices” on how not to be a masturbator:

  1. Always fear God
  2. Always be praying and asking God for help
  3. Keep yourself busy in narrating Quran or praising God
  4. Do not look at women
  5. Do not go to places where you would be provoked to think of your desires (yup do that in Damascus).
  6. Do not watch TV as it’s evil
  7. Do not read novels and books that are not religion related.
  8. Do not listen to music
  9. Do not talk to women while looking at them (if you have to talk)
  10. Get married.

I may add another 5:

  1. Move out and find a tent in the desert
  2. Do not go out of the tent
  3. Find a place of work (if you have to leave the tent) where no women and female dogs are allowed to be in or within 15 kilometers radius of the premises.
  4. Try to have the piece of the brain, that God created it and made responsible on generating the desires and the lust we feel, removed.

If none of the above worked:

5. Cut it off and feed it to the dogs (The most efficient of all).


Poor men, those who attended this scientific and religious speech, who most likely won’t bother to verify what they heard and at the same time, they will keep masturbating, however, with much greater feeling of guilt! Nobody will stop, cuz they can’t…..if they could, they would not have needed to do it in the first place!

I feel sorry for these guys who walked to the mosque to hear advices on how to educate themselves and become better humans and Moslems, instead, they learnt that the most personal, private, pleasurable and physically harmless action they do in their life, is a fatal sin that God punishes on, before and after death!

10 comments:

Yazan said...

Hillarious...

Well, Woody Allen says "Masturbation is havning sex with someone u love the most" ;)..

Sinan said...

WOW man I always hate it when they link everything they say to Science or even Islam, I mean there is not even one verse or Hadith that says that masturbation is Haram still anyway that's not the big problem. The big problem is this kind of relegion men are not trust worthy, they're fame suckers, they're not reliable, they're ready to lie in order to prove what they're saying and better yet they themselves believe their lies... And the worst it's them who drive the youth out of the true insence of Islam.

Ihsan said...

Well Sinan, actually he quoted some Hadith "La3ana Allah nakee7a yadaho".... which makes no sense at all... He also took the approach that masturbation is somehow fornication!

Personally, if there are 10 hadiths that are banning something but they are not backed up with convincing reasons. To me, they are not valid even if they were approved on by all the scholars!!

And yes, it's stupid to disregard the main core of Islam and religions in general and worry about silly things!

I was telling a friend about this story and she told me that all actions related to sex will always be considered of satanic origins to all religionists…….which is true!


Front Bumper, I find what Woody said so wise and true! Who do we love more than ourselves? ourselves!

no one said...

that was intersting to read..
i'm just curious why do u go to the mosque?

Omar said...

good read man..
I wonder how much the Imam masturbated back in his day.
What's the word for masturbation in arabic?

Ihsan said...

Omar, true, not to question how many wives he may have now!

Masturbation is "Istimna2" or "Al-3adeh Al-siriya" in Arabic!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious dude...i really laughed my brains out...n' spent the whole afternoon laughing at it...way to go!....
As a Girl i recommend...U'R OWN WORDS "Cut it off and feed it to the dogs (The most efficient of all)"...but after giving it a second thought...7raaaam keep it...it might become "HANDY" one day :D...

No seriously...some Religion ppl. thinks they know it all...but maybe they don't know that ppl. can actually read stuff...n' they don't even have to ask anyone or go to the book store n' face the stares of the book store guy...they can GOOGLE anything they want n' have vivid information with PIC. ...so somebody should tell them!...

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aiz said...

Thanks man, beautiful post.

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