Friday, November 24, 2006
I've always loved this trend. If I have to choose between a woman with a tattoo and a woman with a brain, I'd go for the one with a tattoo...as I may never find the one with the brain considering their scarcity ;)
For now, I here introduce you my very first tattoo and probably the last!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
I used to close my eyes and feel him lying in his bed and talking to me, I feel him trying to talk to me just like they way he did before he died when he was not able to speak. He spoke to me through his eyes. He was sad. I never knew why. I was right there with him, but he was sad.
Now I know why.....
It was because he knew that one day, I will stop feeling his presence…I will stop remembering him before going to bed, I will stop going to the cemetery to pay him my usual visit that didn't stop until recently. He knew it all, he closed his eyes for the last time, knowing that I will forget about him.
I let my father down......
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
The past year has passed very fast, probably one of the fastest. I feel that I may have started to be on the right track. Thus, I don't care much about how old.
I've had a busy year, lots of major changes: quitting job, leaving the country, back to study, a lot of traveling and money spending! I'm writing my post now at Dubai International airport while awaiting my flight to New York, then Canada. I'm sad and already miss my family and some people. But I'm going to finish what I have started. One month and 3 weeks have passed like a glimpse. Lots of outings and socializing but nothing fruitful and accomplishing at all!
My vacation in Syria has showed me that what connects me to this country and my home city is my family….nothing else! I donno if I should feel ashamed! Well, I'm not anyway. I'm not sure if it was me or the people are changing, or maybe they have always been like but I'd never noticed, or maybe I was one of them and I'm the one who is changing! The problem is that I don't feel it. I mean, even if I was changing, I'm not realizing, in fact, I may be rationalizing it as an evident and better thing. I'm not sure if the changes are for better. But I'm neither worried about them nor afraid that they may be for the worse.
I re-read what I read and felt how vague this post is. I will definitely want to thoroughly post about the feeling of change and the changes. But now is not the time. Maybe later!
For now, all what I care is that I'm a 29 year old. One year to go and I'm 30! Half of my life (if not sudden accidents or plane crashes) have passed. I have done a lot, experienced a lot and lived through a lot as well Known lots of people. Being disappointed by many of them and I did disappoint some myself, being stupidly in love once, met a perfect match once but didn't know at the time (long story). Lost a parent, become an uncle (not a popular one), and visited only one quarter of the places that I wanna visit before getting married!
I hope the second half of my life (again, if no sudden accidents or planes crashes occurred) will be more fulfilling on all level.
Education and career: Finish my MBA and start in a career within 3 years from now.
Love: Find someone
Life: Travel to Peru, Mexico, Brazil and Argentina, Japan, China and Kenya. (Before the "love" factor exists.
Family: Keep having my great family.
Friends: They come and go, but for those who have lasted, I hope they can bear me for another 30 years or so.
I had several birthdays' celebrations yesterday, 3 to be exact. I got some nice gifts and ate a lot, 4 to be exact, as in one celebration, I ate twice!
I still have an hour and a half for my flight, I'd better go and have one last tour in the "super" Duty Free Shop they have in here. I've already spend a lot on perfumes, smokes and cigar. But boy, the prices are so good and the stuff is ever better!
Oh by the way, I just looked it up, it's "Virgo" not "Virgin" and it's the horoscope for those who are born in the last week of August and first 2 weeks of September, and that would be me ;)
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
It's so different than any other place! The weather is awful but it's the summer and the high season in this place is the winter! Everything is expensive but you can find EVERYTHING you want!
The main attraction for me was the dunes of the desert! Just like in Sinbad or Ali-Baba….dunes of golden sands! I LOVED IT!
One thing that I really hated was the fact that although this city is an Arabic city, the Arabic language came 4th in important after English (not the English that we know but the Punjabi-English), Punjabi and Urdu come before the Arabic! I spoke no Arabic except with my friends! It's shame, I think!
Anyways, it was interesting to see what this city is about! I wanted to have a dinner at Burj Al-Arab but they have a dress code and I had no formal cloth with me! So I ended up saving paying 150 USD for dinner! Haha…no regrets!
I'm now at Dubai international airport, which is a piece of the art itself as well! In few hours I will be home! Allah yestor!!!!
Thursday, July 06, 2006
This week has been one of the shortest weeks of my adult life! It was just yesterday when I was at LaGuardia Airport arriving to NY, now I'm at JFK airport waiting for my flight!
In the past week, I went to the top of 2 skyscrapers, visited 2 museums, and walked for a whole day, literally speaking, from 9 to 9! I left no spot in Manhattan that I didn't visit. I feel like I know the streets of Manhattan as if I lived there for some time!
People are different, quite nice I would say, as nice as the Canadians.
I love this city! It has everything! All sorts of people. I was at the Rock center, in the beginning of the hour, I talked to a girl who turned out to be from Israel, at the end of the hour I spoke to a guy who turned to be from Palestine, she was cutter by the way ;)!
Still, living in it means dying young! Being in rush 24/7, struggling to survive the fast pace of life there is not something easy!
I have a lot to say about this week! No time for now, later or maybe never!
My next stop is Dubai, quite a shift ha?
Friday, June 30, 2006
The moment I arrived to Montreal, I knew what Canada is about; such a great country indeed. Of course, you have to know where to go if you wanna feel what I'm saying! hint: Don't go to PEI!
This city has changed the negative impression I'd had about Canada and the Canadians during my stay in PEI. People are so different; they can socialize, dress very well, and smell really good. I'd had thought that Canadian women were allergic to perfumes. I was wrong, they do wear perfumes. Men can actually dress neatly and look good with suits. The cultural difference is very significant between the Canadians themselves, the ones on the east cost and the ones in Montreal.
For a week in Montreal, I don't recall seeing obese women, the scene that I saw hundreds of times a day back in Charlottetown. While being drunk is mostly the only skill that Islanders have in PEI, Canadians in this city have lots of other skills and beer is not one of them. The have unrevealed the secret of social drinking!
I was in Montreal during the weekend of the Grand prix and Fashion festival. The city was packed and alive. Montreal has climbed the list and is now the second most beautiful city after Paris.
I had the chance to meet with many people, mostly Syrians and French Canadians. The Quebecois are really super nice. Syrians, however, are Syrian and they are the best - as I'm one of them- ;)
I met with Omar. We went to a pub one night, ate sushi one other day and had a long walk in the old port of Montreal and we get wet under a heavy summer rain.
I went out with a lovely French Canadian girl, Gabrielle, whom I met in the metro. Too bad I'm not in Montreal anymore.
Last but not least for Montreal, I went clubbing, got stoned, and ended up in a strip club and refused to get laid for 25$ with a drunk girl. It was a fun trip.
Now I'm in Toronto. This city is huge; it's the business city of Canada with lots of skyscrapers in the downtown area. You can find all sorts of ethnic restaurants in this city of a fast life style. Almost everybody wears a suit during the day. Lovely.
Tomorrow I'm going to Niagara Falls, and later at night, I will be meeting with Omar, another Syrian blogger.
I do love Canada, the real Canada that is famous for its diversity and nice people.
I have taken lots of photos of which I will be selecting some and upload them to my Flickr album. Stay tuned!
My next stop is New York! Holly shit!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Yet, I'm so excited! My flight is in a couple of hours!….. I cannot describe how stressed this place has made me! The only thing that is holding me from having the ultimate happiness is the fact that I'm only going away for the summer! Alas….
I have to admit though that the weather in the evenings is so lovely. This is what I love in Charlottetown not to forget the amazing nature!
When I come back in September, I will be as new as I was when I came 7 months ago! Most of the friends that I have made in here were not from this place and they won't be back in September.
My next post is going to be from Montreal, a real Canadian city this time! Not just a town of a 100 people!
Montreal….here I come!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I cooked a lobster! I boiled some water; put a bunch of stuff in it like lemon, orange, garlic, onion, pepper and salt, and then I threw a live lobster in it! This is the only way to cook that creature. It's sad, but I heard that they don't suffer when they are thrown in roaring and boiling water! This is what people say so they don't feel guilty while eating their kills of lobsters.
I liked the test of the meat, but the whole experience of cooking it alive and breaking its hard shell, ruined my appetite. I simply didn't enjoy it!
I had it few days ago at a restaurant and it was Ok, expensive however.
Here is how it looked after being cooked.
My advice: Stick to the fish!
And yeah, another piece of advice: If you have read Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, don't watch the movie. I did yesterday. It was less exciting than the book. However, if you haven't read the book, then watch the movie, you are gonna love it!
Friday, May 19, 2006
As I write these words, she is walking down the aisle in Damascus. May 19, 2006, is her wedding day!
I cannot describe the feelings that I have. I feel weird. She is not a girl that I knew or just dated, she was the one, or I thought she was when we were together. She was not a girlfriend, she was a lover.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me….
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Anyways….that was not the main topic….the observation was that of all those Arabs….I'm the only one who keeps his/her name! I mean all of them, at least the ones that I have met or my friends have met or hang out with, have dropped their names and picked up new western names!
I kinna hate that!
I believe that if I'm to live in some foreign county, which is what I'm doing now, I have many obligations toward this country and its people, for example, speaking their language, learning their culture, obeying the rules, etc., which is what I'm doing as well. But I don't have to change my name and use a name that is easy for anybody to pronounce!
My name is Ihsan, of course nobody can pronounce it as it should be pronounced, I get called, Issan, Izan, Ishan, but my friends are closer everyday to say it right. So why would I consider or think of changing my name into Edie or Mike or Lauren! Hmmm, I guess Lauren doesn't really work with me…or does it? Nice name anyway!
I have met people from Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Jordan and Palestine here in Canada, none of them kept his/her name!
I knew so many Canadians, Americans, Europeans and even Eastern Asians when I was in Damascus, but I don't recall meeting someone who has changed his/her name!
While the announced reason is taking an easy-to-pronounce name! I'm 100% that the reason is to hide their backgrounds and their origins!
I think those who do not respect their original identity; they will never be able to respect their new identity, simply, because they have no self-respect whatsoever.
Yalla, that's it for now…..
Saturday, May 06, 2006
I was going through them, my family, and with family I mean mom and siblings, friends and people that I have known. I felt very distant, distant from everybody, distant from myself, I feel detached.
I don't know, or don't want to know, what has made me like this, what has happened that changed me. I used to be so different, on the relationship level. I used to do some effort and think sincerely in order to keep my relationships with people as strong as possible, not anymore, and for the last few years, close people can tell that Ihsan is not Ihsan anymore.
Then, who am I? What has gotten into me? Why have I given up on my sincerity after a couple of bad experiences? I was not badly hurt, but why I have become very defensive and able to shut down myself for the slightest reason and simply say "I don't care"? I say it so I can hear it and deceive myself that I'm doing the right thing, I may have protected myself a couple of times, less or more, but on the other hand, who knows what I have missed!
I'm such a hypocrite. I say I don't care….but the fact is that I do fucking care. I always enjoyed being surrounded by people.
I was talking to one of my used-to-be closest friends ever; he wrote me a poem about our friendship that was stronger than a blood-relation, however, he couldn't give it to me, he couldn't let me read it, because he wasn't sure I'm the same person he has written the poem for. I'm not sure either. I cannot call him my best friend ever anymore. I cannot call anybody "my close friend" anymore, I'm still over-protecting myself, but from who or from what?
I haven't been making compromises for anybody. When something doesn't go well, I don't try to work it out, I would simply say, "the hell with it/him/her, this is me, I'm not changing myself for anybody or anything!" But.....does "compromise" mean changing oneself? If so, the word shouldn't have existed, people would have been using the word "change" instead!
I miss all what I used to be, I miss all what I used to do to the people, that I cared about, to show them how much I cared. I miss doing the sincere gestures that my friends used to love, the very same gestures that now I consider silly to do.
I don't know if I will ever be the old caring person that I once was! I don't think I know how to be like that anymore.....
I wish I can be like that again, I wish I can be worth that poem, my poem....... I truly do....
Another sleepless night goes by....
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
I started writing new post many times, but ended up deleting what I had written….
The spring has begun in here, it's nice to see the sun almost everyday, of course you don't actually feel it, but you do see it! My summer session has started this morning as well and I'm about to get busy…..which is really something that I had been longing for.
The past 10 days where the most boring days I have had in my recorded history, no school, almost everybody I know left home and I'm not lucky with the locals so I cannot rely on the fact that I do know some!
My only entertainment was watching my favorite show 24, and long walks near the sea while listening to nostalgic music and sometimes, reading a book on a bench near by the ocean, just like any 70 years old widowed man!
I'm gradually getting over the cultural shock, not by understanding, but by getting used to the culture. I'm turning cold as well!
People in here, and regardless of the fact that they are super nice, have some sort of paranoia. If a person is being kind and friendly, it can be interpreted by girls as being seeking access to their pants or as being gay by same-gender dudes! They don't say it out loud, but I can feel it, I've felt it many times. I donno if my middle-eastern origins have anything to do with it!
I was told by a friend that people thought I was gay, just because I dress well most of the time. Last week, another group of people thought I was gay cuz I was with a friend of a friend who happened to be gay. So what on earth is wrong with this society? Should it be more open as claimed? More understanding and less judgmental? Do I have to dress as they do in order to be normal? In response to what he told me, I said that according to those people, most of the people in Europe, Syria and Lebanon are gays! Cuz they dress well relatively and in comparison to what people dress in here! Should I look down to gay people and refuse their company if I don't want to be perceived as one of them?
I just moved in to a new place across the street from university, I'm living with two friends, one from Germany and the other is from France. The house is really cool and fully furnished. The only downside is the fact that I have to cook! But we are doing fine so far, my German friend and I are sharing our cooking experiences and the outcome is tasty, so far!
I can't wait till the 21st of June comes; I have booked all my tickets and ready to go. I will be meeting with two Syrian-bloggers in Montreal and Toronto. It should be fun.
Last week, my laptop crashed and went in complete silent, so I had to take it to have it fixed, I still don't know if they can fix it or if I will get my data! I was so pissed off because that may mean losing most of the photos that I had taken in Canada! The good thing is that I felt less guilty to pay a fortune for my new Sony VAIO laptop!
Time to go and use my creativity to make dinner, once again!
Thursday, April 06, 2006
You’ll do all the crazy things that you can’t explain
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone
You’ll deny the truth - believe a lie
There’ll be times that you’ll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone
When you love someone - you’ll feel it deep inside
And nothing else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you love someone...
When you love someone - you’ll sacrifice
You’d give it everything you got and you won’t think twice
You’d risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You’ll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone
Unfortunately, Bryan Adams didn’t sing this song last night, although the concert was great, I loved it! He was the singer I always listened to, when I was in love. It felt great to hear my favorite songs coming right out of his mouth, few meters away from me!
The song above, “When you love someone”, is one of the best that can describe love. I find it sad but true! Every time I listen to it, it touches me, it reminds me, it warns me, yet it always puts a smile on me.
Here are some photos I took last night:
Monday, March 27, 2006
The faculty stuff of my university has been on strike for a week now, and things don’t seem to be solved soon! Meanwhile, there is nothing to do, no classes and no study!
I don’t know if the strike and all the free time that I’ve been having recently have made me do lots of thinking, but the usual results of my thinking has been, and for the last few years, getting depressed, a lot!
I’m still not sure where I’m standing nor where I’m going! By the time I finish my studies, I would be 32 years old, when I would be starting a career, that, in case I don’t screw up somewhere along the way!
I wish I was 5 years younger!
I’m about to receive my airline ticket for the summer home visit, I was so excited about it, especially that I will be doing lots of touring before I get home, I will be visiting Montreal, Toronto, New York and Dubai for 5 days in each! But since I’ve had this recent depression, I’ve lost the excitement and now I’m worrying about everything including these tours that I will be having. i.e. where I’ll be staying, how much I’ll be paying, what if this and what if that. I’m ruining the fun even before it starts!
I went yesterday early in the morning for some photographing (my favourite shot). I enjoyed a sunny day near the ocean. Most of the ones that I know here are night people. Can’t get a hold of them for any sort of activities before 5 PM! Later yesterday, I was dragged to a party at somebody’s house, oh, couldn’t stand being there for more than one hour! Weeds and booze and tens of drunken people here and there! At the end of the night, some 18 years old wild girl, of the drinking culture, advised me that I cannot live like that and that I should have a life. Life= smoking, drinking & banging, according to her or at least, this is all what she does! Anyways; I truly don’t seem to have a life or, do I?
What is life anyway? Hmmmm, I think life is a mix of success, love, family, true friends, and good health! I donno…. Those are what make a regular person happy, aren’t they? What is life to you?
I surely have the last 3 ones, had the second, and the first is a long story, but nah, I don’t have it, not yet!
I’ve bought a ticket for Bryan Adams’ concert after a couple of weeks! He is one of my best all time singers.
I should go to bed and give it another shot, as the bowl of M&Ms has finished.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
It’s just like any other “first” we do in our life that is always remembered by either us or others.
Our first word is remembered by our parents, and so is our first step, we always remember our first best friend, our first day at school, our first date, first time we sat behind a wheel and drove the car, first kiss, first sex, first time we travel, first day at university, first day at work, first pay cheque……
It’s not only love that we never forget our first time of….
Our first love however is extra special because it overwhelms us with new feelings that we never knew existed…it exposes us to a new horizons of intimacy and sentimentality, it teaches us the language of the soul, it shows us how to speak to the heart with the language of the eyes. It’s the first to tell us that we are humans.
Do all these new skills and newly discovered traits fade away after the first love dies, and it will die?
The answer is simply no, but they are no longer “new” to us; they have become an inseparable part of us, the have integrated into us.
Why do we feel like shit after our first love is over? Why do we feel that we will never have the same as we did?
Because we refuse the fact that we failed at what we liked most, we refuse the fact that we will have to start all over, we refuse the fact that we were wrong, we refuse the fact that we were betrayed or cheated on, we refuse the fact that we were stupid and easy to manipulate.
Is the partner of our first love the best we will ever have?
No, in fact, if he/she was best for us, we should not have lost them in the first place. But again, they were our first….. They took lots of our firsts; we trusted them on very precious firsts that are no longer firsts and therefore we don’t feel they are as precious as they were; which is totally wrong, they are always precious as long as they are from the heart.
I think it’s more difficult to be in love again, because our emotions have matured and our expectation are higher, because we no longer ignore the signs and pretend they don’t exist just to save the relation.
We will eventually fall in love again, but only when we are ready to, and when we meet the better person for us, we may not feel it the same as we did when we first fell in love, but this does not mean it’s not as strong, if not stronger, however, it’s definitely more mature and grown up and likely to last…… Life goes on… and so we should……
By the way, the one, who I once loved most, my first in love, got engaged last Friday…..
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I was, once again, all wrong!
I was reading through some blogs, I came across a poem that a girl wrote for somebody, I couldn’t stop but read it all, once and twice… I usually don’t read poetry! This time I couldn’t not read it and react to the simple thought of it.
It’s not just an experience that we should live it. It’s a missing part of our life that we need it to be there if we want our life to be complete and meaningful.
We can never know what it is about, it’s a continuing process of life, everyday there is something new even if we don’t see it then. Because when we live it, we take it for granted but when we lose, we think it’s for better…but it’s not! We only feel the importance of it to us, when we stop feeling it, when we have this huge void inside of us that seems unfillable no mater what we do. It’s stupid to think that we no longer need it anymore; we would be fooling ourselves, nobody else.
There is nothing better than to sleep at night knowing that somebody out there is thinking of you, somebody that you love, loves you back. Somebody that you care about is dreaming about you.
In my whole life, I was in love only once. I miss her!
I miss being in love, miss being loved, miss the sacredness of it, miss the fun and the fights in it. Miss the loud beats of the heart; miss the heat of the kiss, the warmth of the hug. I miss having a princess and being a prince myself.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
I have been thinking a lot about her recently……. We only know how precious her presence in our life once we are far away from her…. Seize the moment people, if your mom is near you, go give her a big hug….there is nothing feels like it on the face of the world…
I’m overloaded with exams, and losing my concentration over the silliest things!
Life here if fucking boring, the North American definition of fun is getting drunk! Every time I go out with some people, they get drunk in the first 10 minutes of the evening and I end up spending the whole night with them making fools out of themselves and laughing over nothing!!! It happens all the time…..they don’t just hang out, talk and laugh, just the way we do back home. That’s why I tend to enjoy my loneliness a lot more than going out with people here!
Movies, are my best friends, I enjoy taking a walk there and catch a movie once or twice a week….. That doesn’t sound like fun to many people, but for years, I always enjoyed this tradition; going alone to the movies. I used not to mention it to my friends in Damascus, so I could get to go alone….
I so much need to talk to Syrians, or people who have the same background so they can understand what I say, what I feel, and what I mean! Unfortunately, no Syrians around me! I was on the phone with a friend who is doing his PhD in UK, ohhhhhh, it felt so warm and so cool to speak Arabic with a Syrian dude! I’m getting 2 phone calls per week from 2 of my closest friends from Damascus, but they are girls and I do miss the guys' talks and kicks! Hope I’m not turning gay!..... Hmmmm, I don’t think so!
We had a big snow storm 10 days ago…. I took the chance and had a crazy walk inside the storm. It felt like walking in the North Pole. I couldn’t see a thing, just a white wind blowing around me. I donno how I made it back home, but I did, and I enjoyed it!
This evening, I was sitting trying to study and playing with my hair that had really gotten really long! All of a sudden and out of no where, I decided I want to get rid of it…ALL…..so I got my Philishave and zzzzzzzz.....zzzzzzz.....zzzzz, finally, I turned myself into a baldy with not even a single hair over my head…..now I miss my hair!
Sunday, January 22, 2006
I don’t wanna get sensitive in here and say what I feel, as I have been avoiding blogging cuz I’m in such a bad mood all the time!
However, of all the things that I miss, there is one thing that has really triggered me to blog here at this very moment of despair!
I spent an hour wandering in the streets looking for a place where I can have a fried chicken! NO FUCKING LUCK! I hate KFC, but I was willing to eat there, and it was closed! It’s snowing out there and it’s Saturday night! People around me in the residence are so hammered and most of them are half naked – please don’t ask me why- and yet, I was outside in a hunt for a fried chicken! I miss the luxury we have in Damascus, where we can get the kind of food we want at any time, day or night! I miss the fried chicken there or as we call it “Broasted Chicken”. I was addicted to it.
I tried to google “Friend Chicken near you”…nothing came out except for KFC!
Now what? I’m here alone and hungry and I ended up ordering pizza….FUCK PIZZA! I hate pizza…. I have eaten pizza a million times ever since I left!
Anyways, the pizza guy has arrived and I gotta run down and get my food!