Friday, January 05, 2007

A year later....

Like today…a year ago…I was setting my foot in this place….it was new to me…I was lost, didn't know where to go, what to do, who to talk to… I felt I didn't I belong….

A year later, I now longer don't know where to go or who to talk to, I know everything around you, I know where to go and what to do, but I'm still lost…I still feel that I don't belong, never will!

When I was lost year, I was disoriented as I had just arrived to a new country! But my feeling of being lost this year is different than that feeling. I feel I'm lost inside, in my head and my spirit….

I came chasing an old dream….and maybe escaping reality that I had created by my misjudgments….

Earlier this week, I got some blows to some plans I have been working on. Had things work out; I would have a great year on many levels, school, and career, financial and personal. All gone now…!

I was on the phone with mom today, her voice sounded distant, or maybe I was distant….the conversation went as usual, her expressing her hopes and worries, me on the other hand, comforting her that I'm ok and that everything is perfectly alright. I wanted to tell her that I don't feel alright, I wanted to tell her that I hate my life, but the only words that came out were: I'm fine, mom!

Here I'm, virtually, complaining once again with the absence of somebody to talk to, who would understand and relate to me! I feel like I have lost my social skills. I have lost the warmth in me. I feel like I'm lost….well, I am!