Friday, January 05, 2007

A year later....

Like today…a year ago…I was setting my foot in this place….it was new to me…I was lost, didn't know where to go, what to do, who to talk to… I felt I didn't I belong….

A year later, I now longer don't know where to go or who to talk to, I know everything around you, I know where to go and what to do, but I'm still lost…I still feel that I don't belong, never will!

When I was lost year, I was disoriented as I had just arrived to a new country! But my feeling of being lost this year is different than that feeling. I feel I'm lost inside, in my head and my spirit….

I came chasing an old dream….and maybe escaping reality that I had created by my misjudgments….

Earlier this week, I got some blows to some plans I have been working on. Had things work out; I would have a great year on many levels, school, and career, financial and personal. All gone now…!

I was on the phone with mom today, her voice sounded distant, or maybe I was distant….the conversation went as usual, her expressing her hopes and worries, me on the other hand, comforting her that I'm ok and that everything is perfectly alright. I wanted to tell her that I don't feel alright, I wanted to tell her that I hate my life, but the only words that came out were: I'm fine, mom!

Here I'm, virtually, complaining once again with the absence of somebody to talk to, who would understand and relate to me! I feel like I have lost my social skills. I have lost the warmth in me. I feel like I'm lost….well, I am!

4 comments:

no one said...

wallah ya ihsan u put" ur finger on the wound"
i'm also having the same trouble. when they call, i say everything is perfect here, don't worry. but actually i think i'm losing my mind!!
and even though i'm surrounded with arabs, but fuck it, i can't sit with any for more than 15 min. i don't know whether this is the outcome of livign abroad or it would be the same case if i was back home, i wish i could answer this question!
anyway i think i have nearly made up my mind to quit my job here and go back home.
i hope i won't change this decision
anyway
good morning to u

Yazan said...

Ihsan,
I can relate to you.
Before I left, I knew somehow that I'd make it, but there's always this fear of WHAT will I lose along the way.
I already started losing stuff that are dear to me... but i guess u gotta give some to get some.
I'm still in syria, I'm packing to go back.
Mom is nagging inside my ears "shu ya3ni halla2 zabat wad3ak?" enno, what am I supposed to say?
I donno, I sometimes wonder if it's worth it. for very short moments. but they frighten me, because, lets face it, how many people wonder if it's worth it when they're 20. am i that weak?!

cheers man.

Omar said...

I hope things turn out for the better at the end man. I certainly share your feeling of losing social skills and warmth ever since coming here.

I had trouble communicating with my cousins this summer! These are the guys and girls I grew up with. But as Yazan said, you win some, you lose some, and the best we can do is just keep on striving for the better.

Pia said...

Hey far away friend :)

Let me tell you something. I have experienced that a lot, I lived abroad in different countries for a long time. I went through times like this, but then there was light as well. I met some beautiful people who always made me smile again. You will always have valleys of lows and mountains of highs. I strongly believe that I would have similar issues in my own country. The reason why you are unhappy now is not because of Canada (at least this is what I think when I read your blog) but yourself. You made some plans that didn't work out. Well, this happens. Doesn't matter, great you made some. People without plans and dreams don't live. Not to succeed is not a failure, it is how we get up again when we fall, THAT defines us. So, get up again, make new plans, create your new path, you just have one life on this planet, don't waste it with being gloomy. We all support you here Ihsan!! Hugs from the desert :)