I got some of the data that was on my ex-laptop that crashed last week. Even though I paid $70 for that, but I'm glad that I didn't lose my photos.
I was going through them, my family, and with family I mean mom and siblings, friends and people that I have known. I felt very distant, distant from everybody, distant from myself, I feel detached.
I don't know, or don't want to know, what has made me like this, what has happened that changed me. I used to be so different, on the relationship level. I used to do some effort and think sincerely in order to keep my relationships with people as strong as possible, not anymore, and for the last few years, close people can tell that Ihsan is not Ihsan anymore.
Then, who am I? What has gotten into me? Why have I given up on my sincerity after a couple of bad experiences? I was not badly hurt, but why I have become very defensive and able to shut down myself for the slightest reason and simply say "I don't care"? I say it so I can hear it and deceive myself that I'm doing the right thing, I may have protected myself a couple of times, less or more, but on the other hand, who knows what I have missed!
I'm such a hypocrite. I say I don't care….but the fact is that I do fucking care. I always enjoyed being surrounded by people.
I was talking to one of my used-to-be closest friends ever; he wrote me a poem about our friendship that was stronger than a blood-relation, however, he couldn't give it to me, he couldn't let me read it, because he wasn't sure I'm the same person he has written the poem for. I'm not sure either. I cannot call him my best friend ever anymore. I cannot call anybody "my close friend" anymore, I'm still over-protecting myself, but from who or from what?
I haven't been making compromises for anybody. When something doesn't go well, I don't try to work it out, I would simply say, "the hell with it/him/her, this is me, I'm not changing myself for anybody or anything!" But.....does "compromise" mean changing oneself? If so, the word shouldn't have existed, people would have been using the word "change" instead!
I miss all what I used to be, I miss all what I used to do to the people, that I cared about, to show them how much I cared. I miss doing the sincere gestures that my friends used to love, the very same gestures that now I consider silly to do.
I don't know if I will ever be the old caring person that I once was! I don't think I know how to be like that anymore.....
I wish I can be like that again, I wish I can be worth that poem, my poem....... I truly do....
Another sleepless night goes by....