Saturday, October 07, 2006

Father and Son

It's almost 5 AM in here, I have had a sleepless night, did nothing but going through old photos, mainly photos of me and my old man…..I haven't seen him in a couple of years. He passed away on the 24th of April 1997. But I always felt his presence by my side, years after he'd been gone….I felt his tapping on my back when I felt week… I heard his encouraging laughs whenever I did something good. He's gone. I cannot feel him anymore. I miss him. He was a great father, the best a son could ever want. I didn't have enough time with him; I was only 20 year-old when he was gone. I was right about to be in the age of becoming his close friend. He didn't want my friendship, so he was gone. He chose death rather than sticking around with me. Or is it death that was jealous because we were close? I don't care; I just miss having a father, miss having him. I could have needed his presence in my life. Why do people have to die anyway? Ever since I remember, I used to pray to god and ask him to take my life before he takes my parents'. God never listened to me. He claimed my dad's life at a time that I needed a father. At a time when a father would have taken my hands, guided me and protected me from my misjudgments.

I used to close my eyes and feel him lying in his bed and talking to me, I feel him trying to talk to me just like they way he did before he died when he was not able to speak. He spoke to me through his eyes. He was sad. I never knew why. I was right there with him, but he was sad.

Now I know why.....

It was because he knew that one day, I will stop feeling his presence…I will stop remembering him before going to bed, I will stop going to the cemetery to pay him my usual visit that didn't stop until recently. He knew it all, he closed his eyes for the last time, knowing that I will forget about him.

I let my father down......


abufares said...

Dear Ihsan
For someone who has lost his mother seven years ago, I can deeply feel with you. However, death has no timing. It's only natural that parents die before their children. It was a blessing from God that your wish to die before your dad wasn't granted. It's much easier for a son to mourn and accept the death of a parent than the other way around.
We're all going to die in the end. Your father will cetainly be most happy if you live your life to the fullest and shed away the sorrow and guilt.

Omar said...

I will spare you my existential opinions of life and death.. they might not agree with you.. but I know something my friend..
when people die, they become more vivd in our mind. and they stay with us even if we don't mention them on a daily basis.. visiting the grave, remembering names.. that's all the rituals.. what matters is how you carry on their name, and what you do with their memory.. and if they're ever aware of our world after they leave.. they wo't be waiting for us to remember them, they would be watching and waiting to see what we would do with their legacy.. death is only the beginning.. not necessarily the beginning of a new life for them, but the beginning of a new journey for us..

anyway, I am very sorry that I didn't return your call when you were in Montreal my friend.. I had a bunch of crazy weeks of work and paperwork.. you came in the middle of them.. I am waiting for your next visit anyway.. keep up the good spirit anyhow.. now it's time to enjoy our stay here. let the past take the space it should be filling, and leave place for the future :)

Ihsan said...

@ Abufares:

I agree on what you said, I guess my wish and pray were somehow selfish cuz I wanted to avoid facing the departer of my parents.


@ Omar:
True, when I'm feeling ok (ok means normal), I say the same as what you said. Deceased people continue to live through us. But, if you ever get to live in the dead place where I live, you will start mourning your great-grandfather. It's so depressing to live in PEI man. One year left though!

As for Montreal, it's ok, no worries, in fact I fall asleep right after I called you as I couldn't resist the comfy bed in the hotel room after more than 24 hours of traveling. So I, once again, missed another evening in the beautiful city, Montreal.

Fatima said...

you did not let your father down!
it's ok to not think about the people who left us for death, it helps us in healing..
and i believe that people can still see us and feel us after they are gone.. and I am sure they do not want us to live the rest of our lives in grief.. they want us to move on with our lives.

if you want your dad to be proud of you again, live up to his dreams, do not do anything that would disappoint him.. remember that he is still alive.. maybe not in reality.. but in your heart he is.

The Syrian Brit said...

I am truly touched by your post, and by the comment you left on my blog.. I sincerely hope that the wormth you felt when you read my post gave you some comfort.. I know nothing will even come close to, never mind replace, the bond between a father and a son, but if reading this post gave you even the slightest bit of comfort, then, to my mind, it has achieved an amazing feat.. and I would be immensely satisfied that it did..
Thank you very much for your kind wishes, and for coming back to leave your comment..
The only other thing I am going to say is, you cannot have let your Dad down.. you have not stopped thinking about him.. clearly, he is still alive in your thoughts, hence your post and your comments on my blog.. He will continue to live through you if you so wish.. just live your life and achieve the goals that you set yourself, and then you will have truly kept his memory alive, because he would have wanted you to achieve all your potentials..