Monday, December 05, 2005

For the love of God!

Can selfishness be isolated from love? Any kind of love, a mother’s, a partner’s, a sibling’s or a friend’s?

Coming to experience it, while I’m packing my stuff and about to switch my whole life and compromising the easy and settled life I have, to start all over with a new challenging and un-guaranteed one, is not the best thing to happen at all!

Everybody around me, especially those closest to me, who love me most, are acting without any consideration to what I really feel. I have to be the one who sucks it in all and act as if I have no feelings. As if they will suffer more than I will, as if they will miss me (the one person) more than I will be missing all of them. They act selfishly, therefore, put extra pressure that I can be grateful not to have at the very right now.

I know they won’t do that if they didn’t love me, but I’m about to explode, the last thing I need is the feel of guilt for making them feeling bad for my coming step!

I wish they know how I feel, I wish they can see through me, to see me shacking from inside, to see the tears rolling on my face every night when I lay down and start thinking of the coming, to see that I love them maybe more than they love me, to see that I will miss them more than they will do, to see that I’m the one who will be alone and they will not, to see that I’m playing Mr. Tough while I’m as weak and freaked out a helpless ant who is about to be crushed by a blind giant foot.

In addition to all what I’m going through mentally and emotionally, I keep getting surprised by how people think or translate the good will in the sick society that I live in!

I tend to be as clear and straight-forward as I can with EVERYBODY. I make sure I say it out in the open, I make sure they understand that when I wanna send a sign of any kind, I will slam it against them, hit them with it, I won’t keep anything that I feel like saying to anybody! Yet, people who claim to be the most open minded are the ones who have the biggest surprise.
How it is my problem if I answer somebody who calls me and asks to see me coz they feel shity and wanna someone to talk to? Should I just refuse coz my good deed maybe misunderstood by the very same person? How is it my problem when I answer somebody who asks for my consulting over buying something! And again, by the very same person!

I hate this society, I hate the hypocrites who are everything but not what they claim to be!
When I like a person, I will say it out loud, when I admire a person, I would say it, when I’m interested in someone, I will make sure they know it clearly. I don’t give signs, even if I do, I do it for minor messages after sending the biggest message in the form of “I like you”, “ I’m interested”, “I admire this and respect that”, "You stink", "Screw you".

Please people, if I didn’t say this to you, do not mistranslate my good deed into any of the above, cuz when I’m being nice, it means I’m being nice, this is it! When I'm being a jerk, it means I'm being a jerk and this is it, NO SIGNS and HIDDEN CLUES!

As if I can take any extra pressure on me now. I just need support as I have never needed before! I survived so many things without any support but now, I do need as much support as I can get. So far, I’m getting none, yet, they expect me to give them my support! Fuck!


no one said...

wliiiiiiiiii ya ihsan ya look so pissed off and nervous... take it easy ya zlemeh..i know the month be4 departure is a crazy one.. so calm down try to close ur ears to everythings around ..
be kind to ur parents .. it's an easy thing for a mother to see her son leaving.
i know it's not easy for u to leave ur house either, but actually the feeling of guilty will arouse in u and u can't help but to feel it.

anyway this month gonna pass like a blink and u will suddenly find urself in the airport...

so bon voyage

Shannon said...

Hello Ihsan! I don't know you, and I'm not Syrian, but I am highly interested in the world. I also have a very good friend living in Damascus and am always looking to learn more about his life there (although he's also trying to leave).

This is a great blog and wonderfully interesting. Although we live in different worlds, I can identify with much of what you write about.

Good luck in everything!

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