Saturday, April 07, 2007


It starts with a fortunate accident, destiny leads the way, signals and clues spice it up and they all make my all time favorite romance movie, Serendipity.

I first watched it 4 years ago. I was going through some "rough" time with the lady at that time and the movie was all what a person in my shoes would need. It has, ever since, become my life-is-a-good-place movie. It's so full of hope that charges me with it whenever my reservoir of hope runs out... and oh boy doesn't it run out so quickly and often these days?

That movie, was the main reason for my first visit to New York city, where the "serendipitous" events take place. When I was at the American embassy in Damascus applying for a visa, the counsellor lady asked me why I wanted to go to New York, my answer was: "Have you seen a movie called Serendipity?" She was like "huh?"...nevermind, I replied.

I always feel happy and sad at the same time after watching it. I feel happy for the Jonathan (John Cusack) and feel sad for myself. He is, at the beginning, far from being a"hopeless romantic" type of the movie progresses, he is so into that type. I, myself, don't admit being like that...but deep inside, I'm so fucked up like that. As I grow older, I get more rigid from the outside and softener from the inside with my head controlling what I say/see/or convince myself or others with. It's crap, I know it somewhere deep inside me. I tend to appear like that fucking careless emotionless guy just to protect myself. I have no idea what I'm protecting myself from though! Maybe the loneliness I have been in for the last few years, the emotional vacuum I have had inside me for all those years.

I just watched it one more time, I still felt the same, but this time I felt so distant from any emotional encounter I have even had. I felt alienated from any feeling. I'm forgetting how it really feels. My last closeness with the counterparts from the other sex has been, and for the last 2 years, merely physical and emotionless. I do know that I miss it and I certainly need it so much now more than ever, but I don't see myself being there again. Although I'd die for it, but it's becoming a part of a movie, something that I watch on tv and I know that it ends with the movie or tv show and everybody goes back home and none of that really exists anymore, to me at least.

It's pretty serious feeling that I hate to have, but I do...there is nothing that I can do about until someone swips off my feet and takes my breath away, if ever...Serendipity will be my only dose of emotion or my emotional stimulation that I have to live through every once in a while.....

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