My first kill!

Today, I had my first kill!

I cooked a lobster! I boiled some water; put a bunch of stuff in it like lemon, orange, garlic, onion, pepper and salt, and then I threw a live lobster in it! This is the only way to cook that creature. It's sad, but I heard that they don't suffer when they are thrown in roaring and boiling water! This is what people say so they don't feel guilty while eating their kills of lobsters.

I liked the test of the meat, but the whole experience of cooking it alive and breaking its hard shell, ruined my appetite. I simply didn't enjoy it!

I had it few days ago at a restaurant and it was Ok, expensive however.

Here is how it looked after being cooked.

My advice: Stick to the fish!

And yeah, another piece of advice: If you have read Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, don't watch the movie. I did yesterday. It was less exciting than the book. However, if you haven't read the book, then watch the movie, you are gonna love it!

Goodbye....

As I write these words, she is walking down the aisle in Damascus. May 19, 2006, is her wedding day!

I cannot describe the feelings that I have. I feel weird. She is not a girl that I knew or just dated, she was the one, or I thought she was when we were together. She was not a girlfriend, she was a lover.

Goodbye Rahaf…..

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me….

an Arab named Eddie!

I have observed a phenomena here in Canada among the Arabs that I have met! Well, I need to mention that I did not seek to meet them, but my roommates, a German and a French only hang out with Arabs here in Charlottetown……well, maybe because it's almost impossible to hang out or befriend locals! For a while, I thought it was me, but then I noticed that almost all the Non-Canadians in the town, hang out with each other and rarely hang out with locals, even some Canadians who are not from this province, tend to enjoy the company of other non-locals! I donno what is the secret of the locals in here, maybe they are hiding some treasure and are afraid that if they mingle with non-locals, the secret may get revealed!

Anyways….that was not the main topic….the observation was that of all those Arabs….I'm the only one who keeps his/her name! I mean all of them, at least the ones that I have met or my friends have met or hang out with, have dropped their names and picked up new western names!

I kinna hate that!

I believe that if I'm to live in some foreign county, which is what I'm doing now, I have many obligations toward this country and its people, for example, speaking their language, learning their culture, obeying the rules, etc., which is what I'm doing as well. But I don't have to change my name and use a name that is easy for anybody to pronounce!

My name is Ihsan, of course nobody can pronounce it as it should be pronounced, I get called, Issan, Izan, Ishan, but my friends are closer everyday to say it right. So why would I consider or think of changing my name into Edie or Mike or Lauren! Hmmm, I guess Lauren doesn't really work with me…or does it? Nice name anyway!

I have met people from Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Jordan and Palestine here in Canada, none of them kept his/her name!

I knew so many Canadians, Americans, Europeans and even Eastern Asians when I was in Damascus, but I don't recall meeting someone who has changed his/her name!

While the announced reason is taking an easy-to-pronounce name! I'm 100% that the reason is to hide their backgrounds and their origins!

I think those who do not respect their original identity; they will never be able to respect their new identity, simply, because they have no self-respect whatsoever.

Yalla, that's it for now…..

Detached....

I got some of the data that was on my ex-laptop that crashed last week. Even though I paid $70 for that, but I'm glad that I didn't lose my photos.

I was going through them, my family, and with family I mean mom and siblings, friends and people that I have known. I felt very distant, distant from everybody, distant from myself, I feel detached.

I don't know, or don't want to know, what has made me like this, what has happened that changed me. I used to be so different, on the relationship level. I used to do some effort and think sincerely in order to keep my relationships with people as strong as possible, not anymore, and for the last few years, close people can tell that Ihsan is not Ihsan anymore.

Then, who am I? What has gotten into me? Why have I given up on my sincerity after a couple of bad experiences? I was not badly hurt, but why I have become very defensive and able to shut down myself for the slightest reason and simply say "I don't care"? I say it so I can hear it and deceive myself that I'm doing the right thing, I may have protected myself a couple of times, less or more, but on the other hand, who knows what I have missed!

I'm such a hypocrite. I say I don't care….but the fact is that I do fucking care. I always enjoyed being surrounded by people.


I was talking to one of my used-to-be closest friends ever; he wrote me a poem about our friendship that was stronger than a blood-relation, however, he couldn't give it to me, he couldn't let me read it, because he wasn't sure I'm the same person he has written the poem for. I'm not sure either. I cannot call him my best friend ever anymore. I cannot call anybody "my close friend" anymore, I'm still over-protecting myself, but from who or from what?

I haven't been making compromises for anybody. When something doesn't go well, I don't try to work it out, I would simply say, "the hell with it/him/her, this is me, I'm not changing myself for anybody or anything!" But.....does "compromise" mean changing oneself? If so, the word shouldn't have existed, people would have been using the word "change" instead!

I miss all what I used to be, I miss all what I used to do to the people, that I cared about, to show them how much I cared. I miss doing the sincere gestures that my friends used to love, the very same gestures that now I consider silly to do.


I don't know if I will ever be the old caring person that I once was! I don't think I know how to be like that anymore.....


I wish I can be like that again, I wish I can be worth that poem, my poem....... I truly do....


Another sleepless night goes by....

Scattered phrases....

It's been long since I wrote anything, not that I have lots of things to blog about!

I started writing new post many times, but ended up deleting what I had written….

The spring has begun in here, it's nice to see the sun almost everyday, of course you don't actually feel it, but you do see it! My summer session has started this morning as well and I'm about to get busy…..which is really something that I had been longing for.

The past 10 days where the most boring days I have had in my recorded history, no school, almost everybody I know left home and I'm not lucky with the locals so I cannot rely on the fact that I do know some!

My only entertainment was watching my favorite show 24, and long walks near the sea while listening to nostalgic music and sometimes, reading a book on a bench near by the ocean, just like any 70 years old widowed man!

I'm gradually getting over the cultural shock, not by understanding, but by getting used to the culture. I'm turning cold as well!

People in here, and regardless of the fact that they are super nice, have some sort of paranoia. If a person is being kind and friendly, it can be interpreted by girls as being seeking access to their pants or as being gay by same-gender dudes! They don't say it out loud, but I can feel it, I've felt it many times. I donno if my middle-eastern origins have anything to do with it!

I was told by a friend that people thought I was gay, just because I dress well most of the time. Last week, another group of people thought I was gay cuz I was with a friend of a friend who happened to be gay. So what on earth is wrong with this society? Should it be more open as claimed? More understanding and less judgmental? Do I have to dress as they do in order to be normal? In response to what he told me, I said that according to those people, most of the people in Europe, Syria and Lebanon are gays! Cuz they dress well relatively and in comparison to what people dress in here! Should I look down to gay people and refuse their company if I don't want to be perceived as one of them?

I just moved in to a new place across the street from university, I'm living with two friends, one from Germany and the other is from France. The house is really cool and fully furnished. The only downside is the fact that I have to cook! But we are doing fine so far, my German friend and I are sharing our cooking experiences and the outcome is tasty, so far!

I can't wait till the 21st of June comes; I have booked all my tickets and ready to go. I will be meeting with two Syrian-bloggers in Montreal and Toronto. It should be fun.

Last week, my laptop crashed and went in complete silent, so I had to take it to have it fixed, I still don't know if they can fix it or if I will get my data! I was so pissed off because that may mean losing most of the photos that I had taken in Canada! The good thing is that I felt less guilty to pay a fortune for my new Sony VAIO laptop!

Time to go and use my creativity to make dinner, once again!