This is it!

This is it, 4 years, 3 months and 15 days of work at the Canadian Embassy in Damascus have come to an end. It has been a great experience at all levels, personal and professional. I will miss many people, Rima, Rahaf, Iman, Nariman, Jay and Hala. They were ones of my closest friends who almost became a family to me.

I’m now moving on, going to a new place, where new people, new life and new of everything. I don’t miss the work, but miss the people and of course the pay cheque at the end of every 15 days!

Life goes on………I guess…

For the love of God!

Can selfishness be isolated from love? Any kind of love, a mother’s, a partner’s, a sibling’s or a friend’s?

Coming to experience it, while I’m packing my stuff and about to switch my whole life and compromising the easy and settled life I have, to start all over with a new challenging and un-guaranteed one, is not the best thing to happen at all!

Everybody around me, especially those closest to me, who love me most, are acting without any consideration to what I really feel. I have to be the one who sucks it in all and act as if I have no feelings. As if they will suffer more than I will, as if they will miss me (the one person) more than I will be missing all of them. They act selfishly, therefore, put extra pressure that I can be grateful not to have at the very right now.

I know they won’t do that if they didn’t love me, but I’m about to explode, the last thing I need is the feel of guilt for making them feeling bad for my coming step!

I wish they know how I feel, I wish they can see through me, to see me shacking from inside, to see the tears rolling on my face every night when I lay down and start thinking of the coming, to see that I love them maybe more than they love me, to see that I will miss them more than they will do, to see that I’m the one who will be alone and they will not, to see that I’m playing Mr. Tough while I’m as weak and freaked out a helpless ant who is about to be crushed by a blind giant foot.

In addition to all what I’m going through mentally and emotionally, I keep getting surprised by how people think or translate the good will in the sick society that I live in!

I tend to be as clear and straight-forward as I can with EVERYBODY. I make sure I say it out in the open, I make sure they understand that when I wanna send a sign of any kind, I will slam it against them, hit them with it, I won’t keep anything that I feel like saying to anybody! Yet, people who claim to be the most open minded are the ones who have the biggest surprise.
How it is my problem if I answer somebody who calls me and asks to see me coz they feel shity and wanna someone to talk to? Should I just refuse coz my good deed maybe misunderstood by the very same person? How is it my problem when I answer somebody who asks for my consulting over buying something! And again, by the very same person!

I hate this society, I hate the hypocrites who are everything but not what they claim to be!
When I like a person, I will say it out loud, when I admire a person, I would say it, when I’m interested in someone, I will make sure they know it clearly. I don’t give signs, even if I do, I do it for minor messages after sending the biggest message in the form of “I like you”, “ I’m interested”, “I admire this and respect that”, "You stink", "Screw you".

Please people, if I didn’t say this to you, do not mistranslate my good deed into any of the above, cuz when I’m being nice, it means I’m being nice, this is it! When I'm being a jerk, it means I'm being a jerk and this is it, NO SIGNS and HIDDEN CLUES!

As if I can take any extra pressure on me now. I just need support as I have never needed before! I survived so many things without any support but now, I do need as much support as I can get. So far, I’m getting none, yet, they expect me to give them my support! Fuck!

Termination

“Please accept my resignation to be effective on December 17, 2005.”


Those were the words that were to terminate my 4 years and a half of work at the Canadian Embassy in Damascus as an Immigration Program Assistant.

I submitted it today at 12:30 PM and got the approval 10 minutes later.

A month from now and I will be back to be jobless and soon after, will be back to be a student again!

I have very mixed feelings; I was shaking when I wrote the Notice of Resignation. I felt unsure and uncertain whether I was doing the right thing or not. Deep inside, I was excited because I have had enough of this job; I couldn’t get of it any better. I reached the top of it; at least this is what I think.

Being student again means I, no longer, can be as free as I have been. I will be looking for a part-time job to cover my living expenses. I don’t care what kind of work I will get. I never care what people think.

I have been stuck between the desire of moving on and taking a major step and the stability that I have been having for years. Today, I took the first step toward the unknown path of uncertainty. I’m going toward something that very few people encouraged me to, but on the other hand, most if not all of the people, did the opposite.

It’s like gambling, no guarantees of winning or losing, I will only know once I play.

I’m a risk taker, or wanna-be-one. I took this step pushed by a huge amount of adrenaline caused by the great thing that happened to me and ended 10 years of worries; the Military Service. Yes, I paid the exemption fees just yesterday and I’m now as free as I had been longing to. During the past ten years of avoiding this military, I have experienced all methods. I used all the possible and impossible ways. I paid so much money to avoid it. I did, but was always haunted by it, imprisoned by it. Not anymore. It feels great by the way.

Today, I’m feeling happy; however, uncertain if I should be, I’m trying to be positive. But the fear of unknown is a bitch that cannot be beaten, on the short term at least.

I don't know if it's the end or it's the beginning. I wish I could know, I would be more certain and less worried.