A year later....

Like today…a year ago…I was setting my foot in this place….it was new to me…I was lost, didn't know where to go, what to do, who to talk to… I felt I didn't I belong….

A year later, I now longer don't know where to go or who to talk to, I know everything around you, I know where to go and what to do, but I'm still lost…I still feel that I don't belong, never will!

When I was lost year, I was disoriented as I had just arrived to a new country! But my feeling of being lost this year is different than that feeling. I feel I'm lost inside, in my head and my spirit….

I came chasing an old dream….and maybe escaping reality that I had created by my misjudgments….

Earlier this week, I got some blows to some plans I have been working on. Had things work out; I would have a great year on many levels, school, and career, financial and personal. All gone now…!

I was on the phone with mom today, her voice sounded distant, or maybe I was distant….the conversation went as usual, her expressing her hopes and worries, me on the other hand, comforting her that I'm ok and that everything is perfectly alright. I wanted to tell her that I don't feel alright, I wanted to tell her that I hate my life, but the only words that came out were: I'm fine, mom!

Here I'm, virtually, complaining once again with the absence of somebody to talk to, who would understand and relate to me! I feel like I have lost my social skills. I have lost the warmth in me. I feel like I'm lost….well, I am!

Tattoos for now

I have lots of things I want to talk about, lots of stuff about me, my life, my thoughts and my feelings! I just don't feel like it. But this post is not about it. It's about tattoos!


I've always loved this trend. If I have to choose between a woman with a tattoo and a woman with a brain, I'd go for the one with a tattoo...as I may never find the one with the brain considering their scarcity ;)

For now, I here introduce you my very first tattoo and probably the last!

Father and Son

It's almost 5 AM in here, I have had a sleepless night, did nothing but going through old photos, mainly photos of me and my old man…..I haven't seen him in a couple of years. He passed away on the 24th of April 1997. But I always felt his presence by my side, years after he'd been gone….I felt his tapping on my back when I felt week… I heard his encouraging laughs whenever I did something good. He's gone. I cannot feel him anymore. I miss him. He was a great father, the best a son could ever want. I didn't have enough time with him; I was only 20 year-old when he was gone. I was right about to be in the age of becoming his close friend. He didn't want my friendship, so he was gone. He chose death rather than sticking around with me. Or is it death that was jealous because we were close? I don't care; I just miss having a father, miss having him. I could have needed his presence in my life. Why do people have to die anyway? Ever since I remember, I used to pray to god and ask him to take my life before he takes my parents'. God never listened to me. He claimed my dad's life at a time that I needed a father. At a time when a father would have taken my hands, guided me and protected me from my misjudgments.


I used to close my eyes and feel him lying in his bed and talking to me, I feel him trying to talk to me just like they way he did before he died when he was not able to speak. He spoke to me through his eyes. He was sad. I never knew why. I was right there with him, but he was sad.

Now I know why.....

It was because he knew that one day, I will stop feeling his presence…I will stop remembering him before going to bed, I will stop going to the cemetery to pay him my usual visit that didn't stop until recently. He knew it all, he closed his eyes for the last time, knowing that I will forget about him.

I let my father down......